what is natural?

Well, my Mom and I had a little "discussion" yesterday.

Basically, my Dad make a smart remark about that I should excommunicate myself from the church (we were on the topic of church due to me playing in a ward on Sunday). Anyway, my mom got upset and snapped at my dad. I then calmly explained to her that if I wanted to withdraw my name from the church, I knew how to do it. I also told her that I hadn't withdrawn my name from the records yet. She then said that she was glad, albeit in a short tone. Then I tried to open communications again, and she wouldn't say anything, so I left for a while.

About an hour later, I came back in there and discussed my homosexuality and it in general. I swear we have this conversation over and over. Anyway, the major jist of it is that it's not natural, and church doctrine. And, my response, is that I understand, but I have a different belief system and that I don't expect her to agree or want what I do, but I ask her to respect my decision. Then, she goes on a bunch of different tangents trying to get me to change my awnser. Unfortunately for her, I'm set on my awnsers.

These conversations always get to me because she is so based in her beliefs. I always find myself sad afterward because of upsetting her, but I can't and won't go back to what she wants me too. Some of her comments afterward really bother me though.

First is that she knew when I was five that I was going to be gay. Now, she's told me once, when she was really upset, that she knew I was gay from a child, but she just constantly hoped against it. What upsets me about this is that I don't understand how she knew but wasn't accepting and painted a horrible picture of it, even to the point of making me scared of my Uncle. Yes, I know it goes against her belief system, but if she knew wouldn't she be able to cope with it by now? And if she knew, why is she putting this "it's not natural" stuff on me. Obviously, I hadn't made that decision that young.

According to her, at that point she asked my grandmother how do deal if I was gay. Her response was love him. They're both very talented. Then, she goes on to tell me that her mother was very depressed when she had to deal with that when she was growing up, and how she is determined not to be depressed by such things. I really...just don't understand that logic. She's obviously having a lot of issues with it. I guess all I can do is continue to be understanding and give her time. I know that I could have much less accepting parents, and I'm blessed to have the parents I do.

Another issue is that she keeps on shoving some book that my highschool therapist made me read (she read it too). Ok, well, this book describes a lady coming over lesbianism in the LDS church. This book... wasn't based on fact and she likes to use it like it's the only truth in the world. It just bothers me because the way to "fix" the "problem" is going to the bishop, praying, fasting, and pursuing a positive relationship. Ok, well, it also charts the amount of time it takes her to get over it. It was over 10 years and it showed in a chart all the times she fell and how far she fell. Ok. Fine. I'll say it's truth. However, the book also stated that many, if not all homosexual people will never have a mate in this life. Goodie. So, I'm expected to go through this life lonely. Um... k. My other issue is that, in my opinion, people have varying degrees of gayness and straightness. This girl was raped by someone in the church when she was young. How easy would it be to turn off one part of you when you have a close to bisexual orientation? There is just too many variables in this book (that and most, if not all, of my lesbian friends claim to have a bisexual orientation because they have attractions to guys too).

She also said that she's glad that I never got the Melc. Priestood, went on a mission, and went through the temple because she feels that my judgement won't be as harsh. She said this in a rather harsh and angry tone. While I, myself, don't care so much about these things, besides being glad I didn't go on a mission, It bothers me. Why? I need to figure it out. I think it has to do with the fact that whenever she would talk about my uncle and how bad he was, she would always add that he went on a mission and went through the temple. What does that have to do with anything?Why can't someone who hasn't done those things know of the "truth"? Especially within the ideas of the church. I'm sorry, but I've known many people who have gone through the temple and are people that aren't exactly wonderful and many people who are members that haven't, but are fabulous people. Maybe I just don't understand. I'll have to think more on this subject.

I haven't been eating normally lately. Is it weird to have to force yourself to eat? I've never had that problem. Ever. It's interesting. I just need to eat more. I've been averaging about 900 calories a day... most of it from not healthy sources. They are the only thing that actually tastes good to me right now. Soda. Yeah, weird. Soda. I'm not even supposed to have soda. Because of being a vocalist and having acid reflux. Those things together plus the normal problems with soda are an issue. Maybe I'm just being nervous about Sunday. That's probably it.