reflection

I apologize if this is a sensitive/uncomfortable subject. I still feel like exploring it here nonetheless.

About a week ago, a friend mentioned his penis. I didn’t physically react, although I was quite surprised. How could someone be so comfortable with this word? After thinking for a while, I have to think that the reason I’m so unnerved by that word is because of my own background with it.

When I was growing up my family referred to it as a “pee-pee”. I doubt they thought much of it, but I feel like that made the word penis seem like something we shouldn’t say. Of course, hearing it referred to as “dick” or “cock” is even worse. That and even pee-pee was used only when they had to It’s definitely not something that I would say today, mostly because of how childish it seems. I don’t like that word either.

Growing up in a Mormon environment was a confusing thing for me as well. My parents never told me about masturbation until I asked them about it. For me, that was after I had experienced it. Also, I didn’t feel like I could talk to my Dad about it at all, so I always talked to my mother about it. That experience itself wouldn’t have been bad if I hadn’t felt like I was fighting to control this bad thing. These urges were unnatural and wrong, much like their view on homosexuality. It was always the bane of my existence. No one ever took the time to explain to me that there is a positive side to having a penis. Seeing how I haven’t referred to it by name until now, I’m just realizing how childish it is and how my misconceptions were wrong.

Due to recent events, I now feel like it is a positive thing. It’s a very personal part of anyone, and I relate it somewhat to a soul. How often do two people really connect on as deep of a level as the soul? It’s so precious, intimate, and beautiful when it happens. I believe that is held true to genitalia. When you are close enough to be able to touch in such a way, it is just a deeper way of connecting.

The penis is made of the same cellular material as everything else in the body. It’s what it is capable of doing and what it can represent that truly defines the beauty of it.

I don’t understand how people can have open relationships, so I suppose that is why I am unable to equate it into such an idea. Does it make connections less of a spiritual thing and more of just bodily lust? Probably, but I am unable to really fathom it, so, for myself, such a thing goes unanswered. I think I prefer it that way.

I just hope that the negative connotations that I’ve experienced when the word penis is said will change. I doubt they will, but at least it’s helped me to realize just how special and intricate I find it to be.

It is interesting how one positive experience can change years of nearly hating everything to do with it.