school stuff

Well, I’m feeling unsettled tonight. This is probably because the crap is about to hit the fan, per say. I talked to my voice teacher about all of my frustrations with all of the extra work that my scholarship and dual-emphasis create.

Basically, my scholarship is half vocal and half string based. It requires me to be in Concert Choir (4 hours of rehearsal a week), Symphony Orchestra (4 hours of rehearsal a week), and two additional ensembles (the very least 6 hours a week- I have 8). Needless to say, with everything else I have, I have very little time to breathe. The annoying thing is that my dual-emphasis really doesn’t do anything. It doesn’t show up on my degree. It doesn’t show up on my transcript. It doesn’t affect certification. It’s this imaginary idea that adds a lot of work.

Well, he’s going to talk about these issues in general and also these issues with me in a music faculty meeting. Basically, he’s going to brainstorm with the faculty about how to make my schedule work for me to not die and graduate on time. If there is no way to make it work, he’s going to at the very least get rid of my scholarship (although he’s rather sure that they can just transfer it all to voice) and get me out of my cello emphasis. Really, it’s a good idea. I really don’t feel like I’m gaining anything out of the ensembles, and I can take private lessons away from college. Especially because it only takes my time and energy without any other real reward. Granted, I do enjoy the concerts sometimes, but it’s really not worth it. We’ll see what happens. Hopefully I’ll be happy with the result. I am somewhat nervous because if I have too much time, it is more possible for me to be depressed. Granted, I seemed to be fine during my free time lately, but I just remember what it was like freshman year.

I’m somewhat worried about myself right now too. If I’m not happy, I generally slide into sadness or other non-happy emotions. Because of this, it’s like I’m constantly afraid of it happening, even when I don’t have a reason. Also having a long distance relationship doesn’t help. I don’t know. It’s all kind of confusing. Ultimately, I’m actually great. I just need to know it and not doubt anything. I don’t doubt as much as I used to, so in a way I’m already succeeding, but I just need to get it to the next level. I really do want to enjoy what I have, you know? It is an amazing thing. <3

It’s actually been quite nice having today off because it’s giving me time to sort through these feelings that I rarely have time to sort through. It’s really nice.

Life goes merrily on