Bradin decided to do Tuachan(a musical theater venue) down in St. George about 3 months ago. I don't know if I'm going to be able to handle him coming and leaving to do shows- I'm just such a stable homebody type person, and I have a REALLY hard time without him here. That and we were supposed to go to Canada and get married in July and now we can't.
This weekend was the weekend that he moved down. Needless to say, I've been highly emotional and moody since he auditioned because of the idea of not being with him for six months! I've had many people tell me that six months isn't a long time- but I don't care. Six months of growth and change can completely change everything.
Two weeks ago I told him that I wasn't waiting for him- that we would have to separate for the summer. I'm not really sure if I was doing that to try and get him to stay or because I knew I would have to change how I handle the world, and it seemed easier to have a schism of some sort. Needless to say, I decided after a day of more crying that it would be worth it to not break it off and try and keep it together.
After all the crying this past week before I went down, I was able to be stable and strong in St. George- which was good because that was the time that he was unstable about it. At least I could be in a comforting role for the first time in months.
Interestingly enough, it was a really hard weekend, and I soared through with flying colors. It also happened to be my graduation weekend at SUU- which I just barely finished an internet course which made that possible. Well, that was hard because I haven't done anything music related this entire year- except drop out of student teaching early last fall. Well, the fact that I dropped and I've been very disinterested with music doesn't really bare well with the music faculty there- they of course had high expectations of me. That was actually really hard to face. But, I still felt like I was able to shine.
The way we facilitated the drive down and back was for me to come down with Bradin and go back with my friend Melissa this morning. Well, Melissa decided that she wanted to go to California last night with one of her friends from Cedar. Well, that meant I was car less, except she let me drive her car, weighted down with all her stuff, home. It wasn't bad, but slightly uncomfortable driving a car that wasn't mine and I wasn't familiar with.
Also, I got an IPOD and a game with my rebate check this weekend. Huzzah.
Well, walking into a Bradin-less house was really hard, and it was really hard for the first four hours or so- to which I had a Jager Bomb and went for a walk- which made me feel better. I decided that being lazy wasn't going to make me feel better, so I've been organizing bills, doing laundry, and I cleaned the fridge- which hasn't been done since I lived here (at least scrubbing it). It makes me feel useful and distracted. here's a pic of my clean fridge-
Needless to say, Bradin hasn't texted me back for quite a while. I feel a bit abandoned and even more sad about it. Still, I know that he's probably getting to know his roommates down there, but it's just really hard for me.
I just feel like my life is up in the air for me. I hope that going back to work will make it better, but work hardly ever does that for me. I guess we'll see.
Ironically enough, I listened to Winter by Tori Amos today, and that song, which was my theme song in high school has a really connection to me right now too. These are the lyrics to that song:
"Winter"
Snow can wait
I forgot my mittens
Wipe my nose
Get my new boots on
I get a little warm in my heart
When I think of winter
I put my hand in my father's glove
I run off
Where the drifts get deeper
Sleeping beauty trips me with a frown
I hear a voice
"Your must learn to stand up for yourself
Cause I can't always be around"
He says
When you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gonna change so fast
All the white horses are still in bed
I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change my dear
Boys get discovered as winter melts
Flowers competing for the sun
Years go by and I'm here still waiting Withering where some snowman was
Mirror mirror where's the crystal palace
But I only can see the myself
Skating around the truth who I am
But I know dad the ice is getting thin
When you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gonna change so fast
All the white horses are still in bed
I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change my dear
Hair is grey
And the fires are burning
So many dreams
On the shelf
You say I wanted you to be proud of me
I always wanted that myself
He says
When you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gonna change so fast
All the white horses have gone ahead
I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change
My dear
The idea's of things changing, loving my self like someone else loves me, wanting someone near, and being proud of myself are all themes that are very relevant to my life currently. I've always loved this song, and it continues to connect to my heart even after all these years.
I'll just have to continue working on being happy and making everything work.
