Seeking my limitless dreams

A new beginning

2009-11-12T19:17:00.003-07:00

So, this abandoned blog is being transformed to something a little more useful to me.

I've been wanting to go to a Gym for a while and really strongly for the last month. Work has been really hard lately, and it has been hard living as far as how I have been feeling and reacting to life. I think that my especially stressful time at work is what pushed me to actually get a change.

I didn't feel like I could make the change. I was afraid to go to a gym. I'm afraid of failure, so any change seemed insurmountable. I finally broke down and asked Bradin to help me get there. He was also quite excited about our new journey.

Today, Bradin and I went to our local Anytime Fitness and took a tour. It is a small facility, but it seems quite homey and not too big or out of control. I really want some time with a trainer there, which they said comes with the membership. We decided to have a trial period to help with our decision, but I'm pretty sure that we'll end up there.

My plan is to go work out first thing on my 3 days off. I figure it will give me a good jump off for daily activities and keep me, hopefully, more active at home.

Tonight, I did go down there for 30 min to use the elliptical just to get over the anxiety that I have. And it is a hard anxiety. I'm filled with a lot of doubts and fears regarding many aspects of my life, but especially the health part of my life. While there, I weighed myself, and I'm sitting at 270 lbs. Far to heavy- I'm hoping to, at some point, get to 200 lbs. We will see.

I'm hoping that this new journey will get myself to have more energy, feel better about myself- which will help all of my relationships, and feel empowered to deal with all that life brings to me.

I still fear that my insecurities won't allow me to continue; the asking for help at the gym, feeling inadequate in front of others at the gym, and letting myself fail because it could be easier.

I need to focus on improving my diet along with working out. I need to get my weight down so that I can feel better and not kill my joints. It will also improve my level of life.

I love what this new journey could bring to my life. I just pray that I'll be able to keep going and that I will succeed. I love these ideas and what this could mean for me.

I'm not going to volunteer this information, my little blog, to the entire world. Maybe a few things for a few people. I want this to be for me. My only consern about not sharing it with the world is that I'm doing it because I'm afraid that I will fail. I still think that it can be a positive thing, however, because hopefully people will see results and I won't have to announce it to the world.

Good luck, myself.

2008-05-05T00:54:00.001-06:00

It's been an interesting weekend.

Bradin decided to do Tuachan(a musical theater venue) down in St. George about 3 months ago. I don't know if I'm going to be able to handle him coming and leaving to do shows- I'm just such a stable homebody type person, and I have a REALLY hard time without him here. That and we were supposed to go to Canada and get married in July and now we can't.

This weekend was the weekend that he moved down. Needless to say, I've been highly emotional and moody since he auditioned because of the idea of not being with him for six months! I've had many people tell me that six months isn't a long time- but I don't care. Six months of growth and change can completely change everything.

Two weeks ago I told him that I wasn't waiting for him- that we would have to separate for the summer. I'm not really sure if I was doing that to try and get him to stay or because I knew I would have to change how I handle the world, and it seemed easier to have a schism of some sort. Needless to say, I decided after a day of more crying that it would be worth it to not break it off and try and keep it together.

After all the crying this past week before I went down, I was able to be stable and strong in St. George- which was good because that was the time that he was unstable about it. At least I could be in a comforting role for the first time in months.

Interestingly enough, it was a really hard weekend, and I soared through with flying colors. It also happened to be my graduation weekend at SUU- which I just barely finished an internet course which made that possible. Well, that was hard because I haven't done anything music related this entire year- except drop out of student teaching early last fall. Well, the fact that I dropped and I've been very disinterested with music doesn't really bare well with the music faculty there- they of course had high expectations of me. That was actually really hard to face. But, I still felt like I was able to shine.

The way we facilitated the drive down and back was for me to come down with Bradin and go back with my friend Melissa this morning. Well, Melissa decided that she wanted to go to California last night with one of her friends from Cedar. Well, that meant I was car less, except she let me drive her car, weighted down with all her stuff, home. It wasn't bad, but slightly uncomfortable driving a car that wasn't mine and I wasn't familiar with.

Also, I got an IPOD and a game with my rebate check this weekend. Huzzah.

Well, walking into a Bradin-less house was really hard, and it was really hard for the first four hours or so- to which I had a Jager Bomb and went for a walk- which made me feel better. I decided that being lazy wasn't going to make me feel better, so I've been organizing bills, doing laundry, and I cleaned the fridge- which hasn't been done since I lived here (at least scrubbing it). It makes me feel useful and distracted. here's a pic of my clean fridge-

Needless to say, Bradin hasn't texted me back for quite a while. I feel a bit abandoned and even more sad about it. Still, I know that he's probably getting to know his roommates down there, but it's just really hard for me.

I just feel like my life is up in the air for me. I hope that going back to work will make it better, but work hardly ever does that for me. I guess we'll see.

Ironically enough, I listened to Winter by Tori Amos today, and that song, which was my theme song in high school has a really connection to me right now too. These are the lyrics to that song:

"Winter"

Snow can wait
I forgot my mittens
Wipe my nose
Get my new boots on
I get a little warm in my heart
When I think of winter
I put my hand in my father's glove
I run off
Where the drifts get deeper
Sleeping beauty trips me with a frown
I hear a voice
"Your must learn to stand up for yourself
Cause I can't always be around"
He says
When you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gonna change so fast
All the white horses are still in bed
I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change my dear

Boys get discovered as winter melts
Flowers competing for the sun
Years go by and I'm here still waiting Withering where some snowman was
Mirror mirror where's the crystal palace
But I only can see the myself
Skating around the truth who I am
But I know dad the ice is getting thin

When you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gonna change so fast
All the white horses are still in bed
I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change my dear

Hair is grey
And the fires are burning
So many dreams
On the shelf
You say I wanted you to be proud of me
I always wanted that myself

He says
When you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gonna change so fast
All the white horses have gone ahead
I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change
My dear

The idea's of things changing, loving my self like someone else loves me, wanting someone near, and being proud of myself are all themes that are very relevant to my life currently. I've always loved this song, and it continues to connect to my heart even after all these years.

I'll just have to continue working on being happy and making everything work.

ramblings

2008-03-18T12:50:00.002-06:00

I'm going to the doctor's tomorrow because I've been feeling like crap lately- headaches, blurred vision, side aches- we'll see what happens. It's about time I go though... it's been a week of hell.

I saw Jordan and Eesha Sun, which was AWESOME! They're awesome, and I'm glad I actually get to see them. Granted, I should see Jordan more often... it's only 20 min away.. *sweatdrop*

I'm glad that I've been able to see them, Jessica and Laura this year so far. Loyola was 3 years ago for me... and it's been a while. Luckily, they're all awesome as usual. I wish I could go back to Nawlins and see everybody, but many people aren't there anymore. Most graduated from college and moved away. It's sad, but I still should do it one of these days- if only for Jane, Alex, Katie, Stef, and anyone else that's still around. I'm sure Bradin wouldn't mind- if we had the monies. The only person I see relatively regularly from there is Candy (about twice a year). Even that's not often enough.

I'm getting a new phone today! I'm way excited! It's a Blue Ice Chocolate by LG. It looks pretty! We'll see how well I'll get used to it.

If you like Lesbian comedy, or just comedy in general, check out 3waytv.tv . It's so hilarious! I <3 lesbians.

Bradin's good. He's leaving me for the summer to do Tuachan in St. George, which is a sad state of affairs, but I guess I can drive to Vegas more often during that time. YAY! Mostly, I want to see my friends down there though... not really wanting to hang at Casinos.

Life is good. How's yours?

bleeding...

2007-11-15T22:17:00.000-07:00

Today I had a wisdom tooth out because it was infected.

fun. times.

Mostly, I just wish it would stop freaking bleeding! I hate putting the gauze on it every five seconds! It hurts. ;___;

That and in order to get it out, my dentist had to yank and yank and yank... it took at least 10 min. Ow.

On other news, I don't have much to say. Living with Bradin rocks. ^_^ I love him so.

We're getting a piano on Sat, which is nice. We got it at a sale. It's black and pretty. We're very excited!

Have I mentioned that I wish my mouth would stop bleeding?

I'm trying to get everything ready for gradumation in the spring. It's a big chore, I'll tell you. I may have to take a Fine Arts credit on the Net next spring. It's going to cost me $700. Oy.

I have no $. I have so much Debt right now, it scares me. On top of my MILLONS of dollars of student loans, I also have a dental loan, piano loan, I owe my mom for my car (because 'ol gus died ;__;) and a bit of credit card debt. The amounts for all of them are 2,000, except I owe my mom 3,000. I think I'm going to die. I'm only making 20,000 gross a year right now. Ick.

Um... although, I am happy, and Bradin and I are putting our monies together in joint account, so we're really financially together, which makes me feel guilty because I have about $27,000 in debt.

Mouth! Stop Bleeding!

Ok, bye now!

Student teaching

2007-09-25T01:52:00.000-06:00

student teaching It's official. I've finally decided for certain to drop out of clinical practice (student teaching). My mental and physical health has been bad, and I really just don't like it. I don't want to do it any longer. I'm sorry to those I disappoint, but I'm doing this for me and only me. I can no longer do it because my friends and family want me to. Below is what I e-mailed to all my teachers and mentors. It gives a little more of my reasoning.

...

I have decided to withdraw from Clinical Practice. I appreciate all the support and time that my teachers and mentors have put into me for preparation into being a teacher. I can't tell you how many people have touched my life and made me appreciate those in this fine profession. These teachers truly are inspirational.

My main reason that I am withdrawing is that I really haven't been enjoying my time in a classroom. Also, my stress and anxiety levels have been too much. It has been negatively affecting my health in multiple ways. I suspect that my ulcer has gotten much worse due to this, and I really need to focus on my health right now.

I continued pushing into student teaching for the wrong reasons, because I realized during the end of the school year last year that I didn't want to do it. I did it because 1- I was almost done, 2- my parents were pushing me to do it, and 3- I like to finish what I start.

I feel like I gave this semester my all and that I sincerely tried to be a good teacher. I appreciate all the support I have gotten for it, but I need to think more about my health and my future right now. Thank you for your time.

2007-09-18T22:00:00.000-06:00

Student teaching has been kicking my butt. By the way, I'm at PG High, and I really like the teachers there. They're awesome and I'm certainly learning quite a bit.

It is terrifying, especially because I REALLY don't want to be there most days. I feel so unprepared and am so confused in what I'm doing. I can only hope that I'll get more confident and figure this stuff out, because I certainly don't feel like I am.

Today was my 10th day, and the university supervisor wants to come observe me on Friday. And she wants to come during the biggest choir. It's kinda... bad. What's worse is that I have NO idea what the student's names are in that choir. They don't take roll call and I didn't get to personally meet them all. Oh, and my teacher doesn't have a seating chart for me yet, so mostly, I'm just pretty dang lost.

Each day I'm in front of the groups I feel like I just really suck at teaching. I don't do classroom management well enough, so it's hard to keep them on track. I don't know how to go about teaching concepts yet, which is rough. Also, I just mostly don't know what I'm doing. Hopefully I'll figure it out.

Work is really stressing me out right now too. We have a new assistant manager that is killing us. She's so mean and doesn't trust us. Mostly she ONLY wants us to do what she tells us to. It's freaking annoying! And she doesn't give us the chance to do audits, or anything else that isn't up front with the schedule, responding, or stocking 82s (checkout stuff). It's ridiculous. That and she's mean about it and has ZERO respect for us as supervisors. Luckily the cashiers and other people under us don't have to deal with the crap we do, at least yet. Needless to say, I put in for the part time vision center position, and I hope I get it. I so want out.

And, that's about it. I hope everyone is doing better than I, because I CAN'T function on 6 hours of sleep, no matter what I do. I'm a zombie. Not a good brain eating zombie though... just a stupid drooling one. Ah well.

Oh, and I'm supposed to play cello at a wedding too. One more thing that I can't find time for. Boo.

The day... oy

2007-08-25T02:50:00.000-06:00

Ok, today = seriously bad.

Let me preface with the fact that yesterday, I met with my cooperating teacher. It was an... awkward meeting, and I didn't exactly like the school, and I didn't exactly like the cooperating teacher, but I was being positive, and I was totally going to make the best of it.

My car also has been just stopping every so often in the past month. And stalling for no reason while driving in the middle of the road is NOT the funnest thing ever. So, I took it into a shop that day.

And now to today (and yes, I'm counting it as today, even though it's 2 AM), Well, I woke up at about 1 PM to a voice mail on my phone. Apparently, my cooperating teacher decided that she wasn't a fan of me, or something else, because she canceled my placement. Great. It makes me so happy when I was supposed to start on Monday.

Then I called the mechanic to see what was happening with my car. Well, there is about 15 things wrong with it. The three major things that HAVE to be repaired immediately it'll cost at least $800- $1,000. Considering it's such an old and cheap car, it's really not worth putting that much money into it, because it'll probably just die soon anyway. My dad and the mechanic agree.

So, now, even if I get a placement, which the clinical practice coordinator is trying hard to find one, I don't know how I'll be able to get there and back. And I've already poured all my money into the semester, because my financial aid ran out. So, I'm just having a grand 'ole time.

Today's been hard. I've cried my fair share, and I've just tried to keep everything good, focused, and real. Things will work out. I just have to hope. All I can say is that my eyes hurt and that causes me a headache. It just makes it all the better.

At least I still have my job.

preping to be cautious

2007-08-22T03:52:00.000-06:00

You know, it's been ages since I've wrote anything... you'd think I'd just decide to do it every so often, but alas. I am one lazy beast.

So, I meet with my cooperating teacher on Thursday morning... I'm all sorts of nervous, and I can only hope that everything will go well. And who knows if I'll even enjoy the experience. Good grief, why must I freak out so? Eh, I suppose it'll be what it will. At least I'll know if and how much I like teaching. It's silly, but I wish I was in New Orleans for this part. It seems... safer than Utah. I feel like I'll be going in trying to hide anything not Mormon, which is annoying. That and I don't exactly like the Mormon church right now, so I'll probably be biting my tongue every five freaking seconds.

Oh, and in case I haven't said it before, I'm student teaching at a high school, doing choir.

I really like my new environment up here though. Some of the new people I work with kick ass up here. Yeah, I totally miss a few people from my old walmart, but I've already been out drinking at a bar with a CSM (a kick ass one!), and another up here is obsessed with SoN too! Generally, I feel wanted and needed up here. It totally beats having a store manager who seemed to not exactly like me, and being stressed every single day I went into work. Oh, there's stress, but it's different. I actually feel wanted and liked by pretty much everyone. And it's so nice to have walmart where there are a good deal of non-mormons and jack mormons, where I feel comfortable being me. I love that.

And, Bradin's friends are generally awesome too. That makes for niceness, for sure. ^_^

I love free time/video game time. And eating out. Mmmm... I've grown quite fond of PF Changs/Olive Garden/Ottavios since I've come up here.

Here's to next week when I go back to having no time. And a week after that, Bradin starts a show, so I'll pretty much NEVER see him. Geez, it's going to suck.

Peace!

...They're not going to get us...

sleep....py....

2007-05-17T03:36:00.000-06:00

It’s weird for me to want to blog something lately. It’s been months since I sincerely wanted to say anything other than highlights of my life on here. Anyway, since I got bitten by the blog bug, I’ll say my little paragraph and leave.

In the beginning of my relationship, my first and only relationship so far, I felt so infatuated and so out of myself that I didn’t think once about my body weight or anything like it. My self-esteem was through the roof because this nice, attractive guy liked me and my shape and that was great. It still is. Nothing has really changed there on his side.

As time has gone on, I’ve been constantly reminded of my weight and my self-esteem has gone back down to where it was when I began. I very much dislike it being on my mind. I really liked the days of not worrying about my weight, but feeling very attractive. Of course, it was probably just all the hormones that kept me distracted, but it was still really nice. Still, I love where I am in my relationship and wouldn’t back track for the world.

Holy crap it’s late, and I’m going to collapse. Bye all!

student teaching placement

2007-04-18T22:02:00.000-06:00

I finally got my student teaching placement! *dun, dun, dun...*

It's going to be at Mount View High School in Orem with Ms. Matthews (choir).

I'm scared, nervous, and kind of excited. We'll see how it goes! *hugs everyone*

End of school stress

2007-04-12T23:16:00.000-06:00

Ok, so I never post. Sorry 'bout that. *sweatdrop*

First off, let me say this semester has been extremely successful in accordance to my performance and performance opportunities. I must say that it's been exciting, to say the least.

While I'm very glad to have my senior recital and my cello concerto performance with the Southwest Symphony over, I still am stressed to the max. I've been keeping up rather well with the Ed Block, so it's not the block that stresses me. It's actually my internet course that I'm not even halfway through. I'm so screwed, and I REALLY don't want to fail this course, but I just don't know when I'll have time to finish it.

I still have performances coming up. Tomorrow, I'm playing with a String Quartet, although we're just sight-reading stuff. Then it's off to work. I swear, between work and school, I barely get a breather.

Then next weekend is the marathon choir concert with rehersals on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. How obnoxious is that? Ugg. Oh well, what can ya do? Then on study day is the Orchestra concert. Can I just say that I'm so overwhelmed. Not as much from the concerts, actually, than the stupid internet course. I have so much to do in a very, very limited time. And, I can't imagine that I'll score well on the tests for that class. How scary. How simply scary.

Oh well, I think I'm going to go off to work on it some more. Wish me luck on approaching the midway point. Ja ne!

Concerto

2007-03-29T00:01:00.000-06:00

Hey all! If you're around, you should come to the Southwest Symphony's Salute to Youth, where yours truly is playing the first movement of Lalo's cello concerto!

It's at the Cox Auditorium (in St. George)at 7:30 this Thursday and Friday. I think Admission is $12. Regardless, you should come and support me! Yay!

sick blues

2007-03-06T11:39:00.001-07:00

Ok, so I don't really have much to say, but I'm going to say it anyway. I'm SICK of being SICK! The end.

So, spring break is coming up, and I'm tempted to drive to New Orleans to see some of my favorite people! I don't know if it'll happen because of Southwest Symphony's rehersal schedule, but I'd certainly like to, especially considering many of the people I want to visit there will be graduating, and this may be the last chance to see them. The only reason I don't just miss that rehersal, is that I'm playing the Lalo Cello Concerto-1st movement with them at the end of March, and if they want to reherse it, I should be there. *nods* If I dont need to be there, I'd start driving on the 11th and I have to be back on the 18th. *shrugs*

It's a really good thing I got my senior recital done early this semester, because this no voice thing is REALLY crappy. *cry* I never thought I'd miss singing in choir this much. *hmph*

School is really bogging me down. I'm so behind in a couple of my classes, but I seem to just push it back more and more to do what I want (ie. see Bradin, play games, hang out with friends, etc.). All and all, BAD situation! Ick.

Well, I should go. I need to go sit and listen in choir. *rolls eyes* it gets so dang boring! Oh well.

2007-03-06T11:39:00.000-07:00

My uneventful life

2007-02-28T00:46:00.000-07:00

I think I'm dying. period.

I started feeling ill on Thursday during practicum, so I went home, called my voice teacher and cancelled my lesson that day and tried to get out of choir, but I was made to go, though I didn't have to sing. I was annoyed and didn't feel good, but I survived it.

Friday came, I felt about the same, but it wasn't absolutely horrible. I went to work, got through ok until lunch. Then, at lunch, my guy, who was going to come down this weekend, decided not to so I wouldn't get him sick. I was really upset, but I understood. The worst part of it is that normally we sleep in cedar because that way we can sleep next to each other. My mom's really cool with us, and we can stay there, we just have to sleep in seperate rooms. I can't say I blame her, but still. It means the extra drive. Anyway, I left some stuff up in Cedar because I was planning on going back up there. Well, I went back up there, because I left some music and clothes I needed for a competition on Saturday up there (the competition was in St. George too!). It was really annoying and I was quite sad, but I got through it ok. I did get to see him online for a bit, however.

I tried very hard to sleep, but I couldn't sleep because I couldn't breath. It just didn't work well. Needless to say, I TRIED to get extra sleep. The bad, icky sleep I did get wasn't long probably about 6 hours.

On Saturday, I tried frantically to wake my voice up for the NATS Las Vegas Chapter competition. I tried steaming my voice, I tried Mucinex, and I drank water like a fish. I also tried warming up slowly, and the only thing my voice started to do was hurt more. So, after grabbing clothes and my music and hoping that my voice would feel better, I drove down hoping for a miracle. Did I get one? No... actually my voice sounded and felt worse when I got there, dispite the fact that I didn't vocalize on the way down.

When I got there, I learned that the kid who always took the division wasn't singing, I was quite sad. ;__; I so could've taken first place! And, my voice teacher wasn't exactly happy with the fact that I didn't sing, because he told me that I would have won my division. Sadness. I then worked after that because I hate calling in. I really just do. It was a miserable day at work, but my sickness got even worse the next day. Basically, I went home and slept right after my shift until 1/2 hour before my next shift on Sunday. I lasted a few hours(about 3), before I shut down and was sent home. I then preceed to sleep on and off through monday. Monday night, I was called about a rehersal at 9pm for the string quartet for a piece in choir. Well, I wasn't happy about doing it because I felt less than good, but I decided I'd do it. I was on my way out of town when the 1st violinist called and said they moved the rehersal up to 8pm. (this was right at that time) and asked if I could come over, if I felt well enough to. I then explained that I had been staying at my Mom's, because she helped take care of me, so I wasn't in Cedar yet. Well, they had the rehersal without me, and it was EXTREMELY annoying to push myself to get up there when we didn't even rehearse.

Well, I got through classes today. It wasn't great, and I wasn't able to sing, but I got through them, thank goodness! I'm still feeling icky, but better than this weekend, so I'm hoping to be mended soon! *crosses fingers*

So, that is indeed my ill weekend. Oh, and if anyone wants to hear a recording of my senior voice recital, I have it on my bf's website at: http://www.pmeo.org/~foxx/recital/ I'm not very proud of the 2nd piece, but I'm extremely happy with the last 5, so listen and love! <3

Night all! Hopefully I'll wake up tomarrow not a zombie!

miles away from sanity

2007-01-16T23:53:00.000-07:00

Yeah, so, October? I’m not very current. *sweatdrop*

Well, I have had a lot go on in my life since then. Bradin and I are still together, and quite in love, and I’m surely enjoying that!

I’m just getting into the semester, and I’m slightly overwhelmed already. I have the block going on, which is just plain scary. For those of you who don’t know what the education block here at SUU, it’s a group of classes you have to take in the Education Department the semester before you student teach to wrap up all the things you should know and so they have a final assessment of whether you’ll be a good teacher. Part of those classes is Practicum, where you have to go out into the schools to observe and teach. I’ll get my assignment soon! Anyway, Along with that, which is a whole lot of classes, I have my Senior Voice Recital Coming up on February 9th. I have my preview on January 26th. Plus, I’m taking my normal 3 ensembles, taking an internet course (which is quite involved), Playing Salute to Youth on the cello in March with the Southwest Symphony, and working at Wal-Mart Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays as a Customer Service Manager. Can we say stress? Yeah… It’s a hefty semester, for sure.

I’ve been trying to go off Caffeine to get ready for the recital. I’ve been really successful until just a day ago, because I only got 3 ½ hours of sleep, which isn’t NEARLY enough.

You know what else is hard? There is so much preparation that goes into putting a recital together. It’s really quite scary. Thank Goodness I’m not a performance major and have to deal with this a lot more often.

I’ve also been on a video game kick and been quite lazy, which isn’t good. I’m such a bad procrastinator. Hopefully I’ll get everything together.

intimacy

2006-10-26T00:50:00.000-06:00

Tonight, I watched “The Life of David Gale” with Melissa. Well, forced her to watch it is more like it. ;) It’s one of my all time favorite movies, and one of the few I own. It’s extremely recommended.

Anyway, one thing that I don’t care for in movies is sex scenes, but in this movie there are two. The first one is very raunchy, but the second one is the scene that connected to me tonight.

I’ll try not to give away this scene, but this lady, who is dying from cancer is in almost constant pain, and her friend are talking and she says that she wish she would have had more sex. The guy then asks how many lovers she had, and felt bad for her, so he offered himself. Here’s an excerpt from the script:

CONSTANCE
You work hard not to be seen as a sex object. Before long, you're not seen at all.

DAVID
I see you.

They are holding hands in the air, their elbows on the chairs' armrests.

DAVID
Want to make it five? Finish the hand?

CONSTANCE
A pity lay. No thanks.

A beat. They watch their fingers lightly play with one another.

DAVID
It wouldn't be pity.

They turn, their eyes meet, hold.

INT. CONSTANCE'S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Constance and David are in bed making love. He's on top, one hand supports her head, the other strokes her face. They tenderly kiss. He starts moving, gently.

DAVID
Are you okay?

CONSTANCE
Don't worry.

He kisses her neck.

CONSTANCE
It's good.

Moves up to her ear.

CONSTANCE
Talk to me. Let me hear your voice.

DAVID
(in her ear)
I'm here. Happy. I'm very happy.

He kisses her mouth, moves against her in delicate rhythm.

Her moans take on a teary edge. Their voices, breathless whispers, meld into one another.

CONSTANCE
Hold me tight.

DAVID
I'm here.

CONSTANCE
Tight... I'm scared.

DAVID
It's okay.

She's begun to cry.

DAVID
Okay.

He stops moving, kisses her tears.

CONSTANCE
Don't stop. Stay in me. Please stay in me.

He moves again, slowly.

DAVID
Shhh. I'm staying.

CONSTANCE
I need to feel you inside.

DAVID
It's okay. I'm inside. I'm not pulling out.

CONSTANCE
I'm so tired.

DAVID
I know, I know.

CONSTANCE
Tired of being afraid.

DAVID
Shhh.

CONSTANCE
Help me.

DAVID
I'm here. It's okay.

CONSTANCE
Help me. Please. Make it stop.

DAVID
Shhh. I'm here. I'm here.

They’ve been good colleagues and friends in this movie, but never anything romantic at all. I feel so connected to this because I really feel and understand this intimacy more now than I did last time I watched this movie (over a year ago).

Sex can definitely be looked at as a lewd and nasty thing, as I’ve been somewhat conditioned to do growing up, but in my experiences, it’s not. It’s such a connecting, loving thing, especially when done in such a way that both people are being considerate and listening to what the other has to say, like in this situation.

I couldn’t help but share this tender moment with everyone, regardless of how crude or uncivilized people may take it. I suppose I really love these moments when I realize that my own relationship is just as tender and loving as this is. I half expected that a gay relationship couldn’t be, but it is. And I’m so glad. Granted, it’s all based off of the people involved.

In other news, it’s been quite a busy time. I find that I don’t have time for much, that’s for sure. Opera rehearsals are going in full swing late into the night, which is part of it, but I’m still enjoying it, which is wonderful. I have a choir concert on Saturday, and an orchestra concert on Monday along with extra rehearsals, so I’m definitely running from here to there.

I hope everyone is doing fabulously!

small steps

2006-10-12T14:28:00.000-06:00

I’m having quite a great day, despite being quite tired. I am really quite proud of myself today.

So, someone’s actions this week led me to believe that they were going to tell me something sad. Well, even if it is just sad to me. Really, it’s a positive thing for them. I ended up asking about it today, and they told me what I was expecting. Now, even though I expected it, I still knew I’d be sad to have it confirmed, so in the few minutes after I found out, I excused myself and went and took a shower, quite the nice place to think and go over things.

The emotion was much stronger than I expected it, and I have a hard time dealing with such strong emotion. I still tried to deal with it. I went from multiple stages of emotion. My first inclination is to figure out a way to turn my sad emotions into something different, like anger, sly, revengeful, etc. Well, I had some thoughts pop up of throwing it back at my friend, but I immediately dismissed them. Even as sad as I was, I still was able to push them out quite quickly. So, even though I antagonized about it, I was still in a stage where I was in confusion and my mind was racing trying to fix this problem. I ended up crying for just a moment, while shaving (which isn’t recommended, by the way. Shaving your face being unable to see isn’t the smartest thing). Well, I had said good bye to him for the day because I wouldn’t have a chance to talk to him for the rest of the day and even though there was a little bit of time after getting ready, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to handle it.

After sitting down, eating breakfast, I decided that I wanted to talk to him some more, so I did. Well, I held my tongue and didn’t say what I was thinking. It’s not so much that I would have said something hurtful, but I would have said something that would have made him really curious, then I would have told him how sad I was, but instead I told him that I’d be strong. At that point, all negative emotion left, kind of like a blanket being lifted off of me.

It may seem like no big deal to anyone but me, but the fact that I was able to get over something in such a short time (about 30 min) and without any crutches was awesome! How could I not be happy with myself? ^_^

Not to mention that when I sang my solo in choir, Dr. St. Pierre acted astonished that I could do it so well! And I got multiple complements on it! ^_^

I also got word through Ms. Prof. Roulet from my old cello teacher! She said that she’s glad that I won the concerto competition and that she wished me the best. I miss Joan. She rocked.

Anyway, despite my cello lesson being cancelled and me being an overly emotional person, I’m having a great day! I haven’t even had caffeine and I’ve been really tired. Life is quite wonderful!

Having such a wonderful boyfriend makes it all the better! <3

reflections

2006-10-09T22:54:00.000-06:00

I decided to change the layout and colors of my blog a bit. It was time for a change. It makes me seem slightly color blind, but I wanted some more vibrant colors, and if I spent a bit more time on it, it’d probably be better. I’m definitely not a web page designer. Still, it is unique. ^_^

I’m in a rather nervous and uncontented place, considering where I have been. I’m going into a doubting mode in regards to things I really love. It’s not exactly healthy to let myself do such things. Especially because it’s in regard to something I can’t bare to lose. Something I have my heart set on. Meg gave me some good advice though. To not worry about the future and just make things happen. I’ve never thought about making myself fit in, but I suppose I could do that. Well, as long as I'm still genuinely me. I’m not exactly going to sacrifice myself for such things.

You know, I really do have amazing friends that give me great ideas and advice. How wonderful is that? I’m definitely a lucky person.

I do need to learn not to let individual events affect my temperament and thought process. It’s a hard thing to do for me, but just because I am slightly disappointed in something, it doesn’t mean I should let it leak into all aspects of my life. Unfortunately, it often does.

In the last few days, I’ve been rather disappointed in my weight. It’s so funny, because before I was in a relationship, I totally didn’t care about that. It wasn’t important. It also wasn’t important once I got into a relationship because my boyfriend doesn’t care about it. Well, I want to lose weight again. I was conditioned to believe that I wouldn’t get a significant other, a job, or happiness unless I was thin, so I can’t say that it doesn’t play into the decision. Also, I want to match my boyfriend a little bit too. I don’t want to be such a polar opposite with weight. I don’t want people or myself to think or feel like our relationship shouldn’t be because we’re so different. Then, in opera, this dancer came in and was choreographing some, and I was really quite infatuated with some of his movements. They were beautiful, and just very pure.

I would like to be able to do some of those dance moves. I would like to have that kind of energy to even attempt them. Unfortunately, energy is one thing I don’t have. I drag myself from thing to thing using caffeine as a crutch. Now, I definitely could use clinical depression as a crutch, because it causes a lack of energy, but what good does that do me? It would be much more productive to try and exercise and eat for maximum energy. I want to try and attempt that, but like most of the things I try to do, it’ll fall apart. I don’t know how to change habits. I’ve tried very hard to get off of caffeine and soda, but I haven’t. I’m drinking slightly less right now, but I still have about 2 caffeinated sodas a day, which still isn’t great.

Plus, being overweight and a vocalist doesn’t work well. Yes, I get by, but when I’m singing correctly, but I put a slight strain on my back to do so.

Talking about weight and health seems somewhat futile to me, because even though I have many, many reasons to change what I do, I don’t do it. I like my “crutches”, caffeine and soda being a couple of them. I want to live my life without crutches, but unless I make it happen, I’ll always rely on them.

On a more exciting note, I’m excited about my vocal training right now. I’m enjoying opera and my voice lessons. I also auditioned for some solos for concert choir, so I’m crossing my fingers.

Overall, things are looking up when it comes to the whole picture (like having a wonderful boyfriend, having wonderful opportunities, great friends, and being able to pursue my dreams. I just need to focus on that.

My love goes out to my readers and to the world <3

obligations

2006-10-04T23:25:00.000-06:00

I’ve been reminded of a major event in my life when I was at Loyola. I thought I’d share it.

There was a time where Jessica, Jen, Maggy, and I would make all these plans, like starting a Manga club, Naruto Milkshake Thursdays, etc. Well, I would hardly ever follow through with them. Like, for example, even though the Manga club was my idea initially, I didn’t go once. I would say that I would do it, and not show up, or make some lame excuse. Well, this one time, where I never said I was going to meet with them, but I said I wanted to, I ended up doing something with Candace instead. I didn’t think much of it, because I hadn’t actually said I was going to do anything with them. Well, they planned a way to make me feel how it feels to be left out. They planned on having Naruto Milkshake Thursdays without me. So, Jen said that we weren’t doing it in orchestra, and I wandered down to Jessica’s room, and Laura said they were at Jen’s watching it. I was livid. I was really upset that they would lie to me. Well, they confronted me about it the next day at anime club where I just started bawling and I left before the meeting ever started. Well, the next day I talked to Jessica, even though I was quite upset, because I really didn’t want that friendship to end, even though I was really upset. I remember telling her that I wouldn’t take such a thing from them again. That I just couldn’t handle it. Well, there was a misunderstanding that time, but it made me realize just how much keeping plans with your friends and colleagues is so important. Luckily, we talked it out and got over it, but it was a very hard thing in my life.

So, I feel very hypocritical by pointing out that I would like to at least be known about the changing of plans especially because this circumstance isn’t really a big deal at all. Yes, I’m very conscious of such things because I’ve had experiences with it, but is it really fair to push it on someone when it’s so trivial? I did have a slight reaction to it. Not a big one at all.

Needless to say, I need to give more compassion in similar situations. People, especially the ones close to me, are very important to me. Much more important to me than some small little thing like not showing up when they say they will or not calling me. I hope that one day I’ll be a better, more loving person.

Excitement

2006-10-01T21:53:00.000-06:00

I just got back from Cali! We(my bf and I) went there on Friday, and stopped in Vegas to introduce him to Candy. She also gave us free tickets to go to Six Flags, which is why we were going on the trip in the first place, so we totally saved about $140!!! Sweet! Candy, you rock! He thought you were really cool, btw.

Anywho, I tried my first wine down there with him. The kind we got wasn't tasty, but eh. It was pretty much a stab in the dark because neither of us knew anything about wine. It was a good experience though.

Six Flags ROCKED! The new ride, the Tatsu, is really cool! You sit down, then are tilted with your back against the sky, like you're flying, and you go really fast! It was awesome. The day was actually not too busy, and we got through all the major rollercoasters except X, because it was closed (Booo!). Tatsu was a really long wait, about 2 hours, but some rides like Goliath, Scream, Batman, and The Riddler took us literally seconds to get on! It was way cool just to walk up and jump on. Besides the Tatsu, the longest wait we had was about 45 minutes for Dejavu. Not bad, really.

It was sooooo cool to spend that time with my bf. I feel so much closer to him. I'm way, way happy.

I auditioned for the Salute to Youth competition for the Southwest Symphony on Friday before we left. Needless to say, I totally got in! I'm way stoked!! So, I'll be playing the Lalo Cello Concerto, Mvt. 1 in March with them! It's way, way cool. I'm very excited, because the competition was really quite stiff. Makes me feel special. *tear*

Hope everyone is doing well!

school stuff

2006-09-22T22:40:00.001-06:00

Well, I’m feeling unsettled tonight. This is probably because the crap is about to hit the fan, per say. I talked to my voice teacher about all of my frustrations with all of the extra work that my scholarship and dual-emphasis create.

Basically, my scholarship is half vocal and half string based. It requires me to be in Concert Choir (4 hours of rehearsal a week), Symphony Orchestra (4 hours of rehearsal a week), and two additional ensembles (the very least 6 hours a week- I have 8). Needless to say, with everything else I have, I have very little time to breathe. The annoying thing is that my dual-emphasis really doesn’t do anything. It doesn’t show up on my degree. It doesn’t show up on my transcript. It doesn’t affect certification. It’s this imaginary idea that adds a lot of work.

Well, he’s going to talk about these issues in general and also these issues with me in a music faculty meeting. Basically, he’s going to brainstorm with the faculty about how to make my schedule work for me to not die and graduate on time. If there is no way to make it work, he’s going to at the very least get rid of my scholarship (although he’s rather sure that they can just transfer it all to voice) and get me out of my cello emphasis. Really, it’s a good idea. I really don’t feel like I’m gaining anything out of the ensembles, and I can take private lessons away from college. Especially because it only takes my time and energy without any other real reward. Granted, I do enjoy the concerts sometimes, but it’s really not worth it. We’ll see what happens. Hopefully I’ll be happy with the result. I am somewhat nervous because if I have too much time, it is more possible for me to be depressed. Granted, I seemed to be fine during my free time lately, but I just remember what it was like freshman year.

I’m somewhat worried about myself right now too. If I’m not happy, I generally slide into sadness or other non-happy emotions. Because of this, it’s like I’m constantly afraid of it happening, even when I don’t have a reason. Also having a long distance relationship doesn’t help. I don’t know. It’s all kind of confusing. Ultimately, I’m actually great. I just need to know it and not doubt anything. I don’t doubt as much as I used to, so in a way I’m already succeeding, but I just need to get it to the next level. I really do want to enjoy what I have, you know? It is an amazing thing. <3

It’s actually been quite nice having today off because it’s giving me time to sort through these feelings that I rarely have time to sort through. It’s really nice.

Life goes merrily on

2006-09-20T22:53:00.000-06:00

I find it hard to want to post my frustrations on here. I've had a really, really bad evening, but I don't know whether I should cross the boundry or not.

While part of me says that I don't want people to see this part of me, part of me also says that by posting about it makes it all the more real. I find myself not wanting to admit that I'm not bouncy and happy all the time. I know from certain people it's not a conditional thing, but still. I worry that showing these bad times will affect relationships, ones that I cherish very deeply.

I wish all a good night and I hope that all is going as good as possible. <3

first SLC trip

2006-09-19T10:04:00.000-06:00

I need to update with all the major stuff that's been happening, but unfortunately I don't have time. *sadness*

I thought I'd tell y'all that I'm going to study with Ryan Selberg in Salt Lake today! He's the principal cellist of the Utah Symphony, and I'm way excited! I'm even more excited that I get to see my boyfriend after though! Hooray!!

I hope everyone is doing well. ^_^

mormon gay article

2006-09-04T23:31:00.000-06:00

I'm tired, and it's been an emotional day, one I may or may not discuss at a later date.

However, I feel like I must show and talk about this article and the discussion posted on the lds website. The links are as follows:

Salt Lake Tribune article

Discussion on lds.org

I really can't imagine that homosexuality is a condition simply in this life. I feel like until I have no being that it is a big part of me. Besides the whole physical aspect, there is some spiritual attraction as well. Being around my significant other really makes me feel spiritually completed, even without physical contact.

I don't understand how people are expected to throw away their life and what they imagine it to be in as far as happiness is concerned, just for 'church doctorines'. As much as it is said that the church is and has been the same because truth does not change, I do not agree. There is no way that I really can.

I love how people with homosexual attractions are equated to those with physical handicaps as far as church callings. There are some you cannot have without being married. What I'm seeing from this is that regardless of the amount of effort that people with same-gender attraction give, if they cannot be attracted to a person to marry, they can't hold these positions. I suppose I shouldn't be suprised due to the fact that females can't hold multiple positions because of being unable to hold the priesthood. Perhaps us homosexuals just have enough female in us that we can't be trusted with the special positions.

How is it that divine revelation seems like a trump card? What about this horrible thing in your past? divine revelation. Why can't we change this? No divine revelation. I just can't believe that one person would be he one recieving revelation for a group as diverse as the church. It's just hard to understand.

How can some legal rights be ok for those not in a sexual gay relationship, but those that are should get none? That is a really big issue. Just because people tenderly explore themselves in every aspect with another should not come into play that definatively. It makes me shake my head. That and it was also said that legal rights aren't appropriate because they're rights reserved for traditional marriages. There are just way too many shades of gray, per say. That along with contradiction is rather bothersome.

The idea of not being able to bring my partner around because it's not good or the family and the like really hurts. I want to be as much a part of the family as anyone else. That and the satement where aadoption shouldn't be available to gays because a family needs a husband and wife bothers me too. How is it, then, children are not taken away from families that are strictly one parent? They aren't punished because they were in a good situation to start with, regardless of their reasons for being out of it. I should be able to adopt a child on my own, regardless of whether I have a partner or not. And, two parents are better than one, regardless of gender.

My minds a little fuzzy, so I hope i was sufficently coherent in writing.

I'm aprehesive tonight because there was something that I really wanted to do, but I avoided it because I thought that the outcome would be a way that I wouldn't enjoy it. I eventually did it, but the outcome was the same. I'm just scared that this is going to turn into a pattern. I hope that sleep with cleanse some of my worries about today.

School and the like

2006-08-30T17:44:00.000-06:00

I thought I'd take a minute and catch y'all up, seeing how I've been so great at keeping up with crap.

School is better than I expected, really. I expected to come back and really not want to be here. Well, in a way I don't, but seeing some of my friends again is so nice.

I feel somewhat burnt on ensembles and it's only Wednesday. This is a very, very bad sign. That and Opera really hasn't even started yet. I just hope and pray that I'll make it through this year. I just need to keep plugging along, I suppose.

My voice lesson today rocked. I really forget what it's like to hear yourself sing correctly. It makes me quite excited about performing again, something I rarely, if ever, get to do. For this I'm excited.

As the days draw closer to my boyfriend leaving, the sadder I seem to be. Granted, I feel bad because of the lack of sleep I've caused him, but still. It's just so hard to know that he's not going to be close enough for me to see regularly. *sigh*

I'm somewhat annoyed at the fact that I have to audition for orchestra and choir again. Damn protocol. Gah. If you go into these audtions knowing full well that you'll be section leader, what is the point? (Dr. St. Pierre has already told me that I'll be tenor section leader... granted its not that kind of audition) What are they going to do, tell me I can't lead myself, as far as cello is concerned? lol. It's just humorous.

I've been toying with the idea of going up and studying with Ryan in SLC a couple of times a month, as well as studying with Tracie. I just kind of think it'd be a really good thing for me. The issue is times and stuff like that. I just have to clear such things with my professors. *sigh* That'll be the hard part. That and I don't know Ryan's schedule. I'll have to talk to Tracie about it, I suppose. She knows best.

The new accompanist paperwork is the biggest pain. oy. That and my annoyance with the accompanists as it is makes life sad. But, what can you do? Whine and complain? I do that often enough as it is, sadly enough.

I need to get more sleep. It's not such a good thing to be this tired. I'll have to work on that.

Dreams can be so beautiful.

twitterpation

2006-08-22T23:12:00.000-06:00

Cutest picture EVER! I even like myself in it. Go figure.

Oh yeah, that's my boyfriend. I <3 him

He got me these flowers. This picture doesn't give them justice though. They're absolutely breathtaking. He's so sweet.

Wow, I'm a nerd But, wow.

School starts on Monday. I'm not very excited, really. I will like learning about the new classes and things, but school is so much more than that. It also means that I won't get to see my baby in a week or so though.... because his contract at Tuachan is over. I'm borderline devistated about it, but we'll make it work. <3

I am supposed to have been memorizing my pieces for my voice recital this fall. Have I attempted it? No. I haven't practiced officially all summer. It's really, really bad. Oh well. I guess I'll have a lot to catch up on.

My computer isn't working right, so I have to return it. It's the TV analog Card. Oh well. As long I get one that works. ^_^

I don't have anything really to say at the moment. Had some hardship with my mom, but she's calmed down.

Life is good.

2006-08-21T00:11:00.000-06:00

I'm amused about how many pictures of my cello and me are on the suu music website. Granted, there are only a couple, but one is like a banner, so it's in a lot of places. I'm just special, I suppose.

Tonight has been an... interesting one for me. I have had a relatively good night, but an event kind of led it into a spiral. It's interesting that in such a state, I immediately wanted to hang out with Jessica. I'm curious whether that is because I haven't really had similar feelings since Loyola or it's because Jessica is sypethetic without letting me dwell on it. I <3 her so. Man, I miss Naruto milkshake Thursdays. Jessica + Maggy + Jen + Naruto= FREAKING AWESOME!

I have had so many deep and immense thoughts tonight, but I don't feel like sharing them. That's definately a sign I don't feel quite like myself. huh.

purple is the new purple. The end.

reflection

2006-08-14T00:58:00.000-06:00

I apologize if this is a sensitive/uncomfortable subject. I still feel like exploring it here nonetheless.

About a week ago, a friend mentioned his penis. I didn’t physically react, although I was quite surprised. How could someone be so comfortable with this word? After thinking for a while, I have to think that the reason I’m so unnerved by that word is because of my own background with it.

When I was growing up my family referred to it as a “pee-pee”. I doubt they thought much of it, but I feel like that made the word penis seem like something we shouldn’t say. Of course, hearing it referred to as “dick” or “cock” is even worse. That and even pee-pee was used only when they had to It’s definitely not something that I would say today, mostly because of how childish it seems. I don’t like that word either.

Growing up in a Mormon environment was a confusing thing for me as well. My parents never told me about masturbation until I asked them about it. For me, that was after I had experienced it. Also, I didn’t feel like I could talk to my Dad about it at all, so I always talked to my mother about it. That experience itself wouldn’t have been bad if I hadn’t felt like I was fighting to control this bad thing. These urges were unnatural and wrong, much like their view on homosexuality. It was always the bane of my existence. No one ever took the time to explain to me that there is a positive side to having a penis. Seeing how I haven’t referred to it by name until now, I’m just realizing how childish it is and how my misconceptions were wrong.

Due to recent events, I now feel like it is a positive thing. It’s a very personal part of anyone, and I relate it somewhat to a soul. How often do two people really connect on as deep of a level as the soul? It’s so precious, intimate, and beautiful when it happens. I believe that is held true to genitalia. When you are close enough to be able to touch in such a way, it is just a deeper way of connecting.

The penis is made of the same cellular material as everything else in the body. It’s what it is capable of doing and what it can represent that truly defines the beauty of it.

I don’t understand how people can have open relationships, so I suppose that is why I am unable to equate it into such an idea. Does it make connections less of a spiritual thing and more of just bodily lust? Probably, but I am unable to really fathom it, so, for myself, such a thing goes unanswered. I think I prefer it that way.

I just hope that the negative connotations that I’ve experienced when the word penis is said will change. I doubt they will, but at least it’s helped me to realize just how special and intricate I find it to be.

It is interesting how one positive experience can change years of nearly hating everything to do with it.

2006-08-08T23:52:00.000-06:00

I can't believe how happy I am lately. It's so surreal. I love it so much.

I've officially been kissed. Not just that, but by an amazing guy, that I care about a lot. Many people have told me that their first kiss was disapointing or that they wished they had waited because it was a fluke or some other reason. Not me. I, honestly, can never see myself saying that. The circumstances that led up to it are to intricate and to magical to ever be sad about it. It's taught me a lot. I hope, beyond anything, that this relationship will continue and thrive. I hope that we are able to grow and become better people because of each other. I hope that any distance between us will be nothing more than trivial.

However, if this relationship does fall apart for any reason, it has been a beneficial and beautiful event in my life. This person has helped me to logically think and analyze about myself more clearly. He's opened up the idea that maybe I can have a relationship in this life, and it can be so extremely powerful and poinent. He's shown me feelings I didn't know existed. The amount of peace, joy, and connectedness that I have been subjected to is mindblowingly surreal. How is it that I made a post in livejournal about how I was going to go out and find my dreams and love, and not sit idle, then this happens? There is just so many connections. It was meant to happen. That is my only conclusion.

I was searching my computer for a song tonight, and I ran into a couple of Jessica Simpson songs. I've been listening to one on repeat for about two hours. I love it when an artist's idea resonates within myself. It's ethereal. I really understand what they were trying to say, and I appriciate it so much. That and singing it is such a joy due to the fact it's just beautiful and in such a good range for my voice. Because I adore lyrics, I'm going to post them below.

You set my soul at ease
Chased darkness out of view
Left your desperate spell on me
Say you feel it too
I know you do
I've got so much more to give
This can't die, I yearn to live
Pour yourself all over me
And I'll cherish every drop
here on my knees

I wanna love you forever
And this is all I'm asking of you
10,000 lifetimes together
Is that so much for you to do
Cuz from the moment that I saw your face
and felt the fire of your sweet embrace
I swear I knewI wanna love you forever

My mind fails to understand
What my heart tells me to do
And I'd give up all I have just to be with you
And that would do
I've always been taught to win
And I never thought I'd fail
Be at the mercy of a man,
I've never been
Now I only want to be right where you are

In my life I've learned that heaven never waits
Let's take this now before it's gonelike yesterday
Cuz when I'm with you there's nowhere else
That I would ever wanna be no
I'm breathing for the next second I can feel you
Loving me

How is it that every line, word, and thought connect with me so deeply. I feel like my words are being drawn out of my soul and connected with a powerful melody, with an even more magnifying accompanying force? To feel the emancipation of the outside vibrations hit my skin with the vibrations of my soul from the inside, working it's way out is utterly indescribable. It paralyzes me. I don't dare move. I don't want it to go. It's a soft, spiral gust of wind that caresses my cheek and ruffles my hair.

I feel it when we touch.

My spirit, heart, and soul are engulfed liquid flame purity. I'm never alone.

amusingness

2006-08-06T00:36:00.000-06:00

Lately, my life feels rich and fulfilled, despite all of my insecurities and shortcomings. It’s quite nice. There are also things I need to face up to. I just hope that I’ll be able to.

I saw Hannah on Thursday night. It’s been about two years since she’s been married. Time just flies! She looked really good and very happy. They’re moving to a small town by Reno, Nevada, because he got a job as a PE teacher. It’s kind of surreal to know that it’s been two years since I’ve been in contact with her. The email address that I used to keep in contact with her expired right as she got married, so I haven’t known anything. I ran into her at her sister’s wedding reception. Hazel looked just beautiful! It was quite funny though, because both Hazel and her mom had to make sure that I went over to talk to Hannah. What an awesome family.

Our conversation consisted of talking about gay people she’s met (apparently, she’s met 3 more gay men named Matt), friends in high school, the gay population at BYU, and how even though she doesn’t and can’t agree with the eternal side of being gay, she still wants to know what’s happening, who is in my life, and love them unconditionally because I do. I love people like that. They’re more concerned with my feelings as a person than any other judgment. It’s the people like her that gives the Mormon Church the amount of good press it gets. I’m also glad that she’s not stuck with her issues that she’s had since high school, like the mutilation, bad relationships, and depression. Needless to say, we had the same therapist in high school. I’m not surprised she didn’t improve with him. I can be so cynical at times.

There is a passage in the book I’m reading that reminds me so much of high-school and how much the girls and I ridiculed Ben. I got it occasionally too, but it was mostly him. The whole “boys are clueless” thing. I thought I’d share the passage because it made me giggle so. It’s from Street Magic by Tamora Pierce <3 (It’s the second book in the second series- The Circle Opens)

Rosethorn smiled crookedly. “I admit, I did also think you might take that attitude.”
“So I guess I was the last to know,” Briar grumbled.
“Of course you are. You’re a man, aren’t you?” Rosethorn asked evilly, ladling lamb and rice pilaf onto the plates. Evvy giggled, and Briar rested his head on his hands.
Not only am I doomed, but they’re going to laugh at me while doom happens, he thought, contentedly morose. Why ever did I leave Summersea?

There is so much joy and contentment in the little things. I love it.

I’ve been thinking about e-mailing Ben. I kind of doubt I’ll do it, but I would like to know what he’s up to, since the girls I normally talk to don’t have contact with him. Granted, he’ll probably ask me about church and homosexuality, and I’ll get lectured at, at the least. Decisions, decisions. We’ll see, I suppose.

Man, I only have 47 pages left in my book, but I’m trying to wait. It’s not working, but my last summer course ends on the 8th. It’s an internet course and suffice it to say, I’m horribly behind. I’ve just had too many nice distractions. ^_^

I’m probably going to Vegas next weekend, if Candace is there and wants to house me. If not, I’ll still probably go down and see if I can stay at my Aunt’s house. I want to see Candy, Jessica, and Robin before school gets in the normal swing of things. Robin is my cello teacher from high school, by the way. Candace and Jessica are my best friends from Loyola University New Orleans. I’m trying to be thorough. We’ll see if it’s working when I get people asking me about stuff. Oh, and school shopping. They'll be plenty of that too.

Tracie, you’ll be happy to know that I’m excited about you being the new cello professor all of a sudden. Don’t know why, just am. We’ll have a fun year, regardless of all the drama we’ll have to put up with. We music majors are great at drama. My choir award for last year? Yeah… it was “The drama, drama, drama in the music building award.” Oh how amusing. I did know all the latest drama/gossip though. Don’t know how that worked, but it did. I guess it’s from being in the voice and string programs and being close to the choir and woodwinds teacher. I’m interested to see the new dynamics of the program at SUU.

I get amused at the smallest things lately. ^_^

gay, mormon, marriage

2006-08-05T00:07:00.000-06:00

I was recently sent an article from my friend Rachel regarding being gay, mormon, and being married. No, Rachel, I'm not mad at you. I would feel like a complete hypocrite if I just got angry because someone suggested something to me. Plus, reading and thinking is always a great way to think and evaluate how one views the world.

link to the article- http://www.sltrib.com/ci_4136232

I have thought about this a lot when I was younger. You know, like in high school. I don't think it would ever work for me. I couldn't honestly live like that. I decided that I would rather be a lonely old man than married to a woman whom I didn't have feelings with. My feelings haven't changed. I've already gone through a relationship where the girl has had feelings for me, and it's confusing and painful at moments. I couldn't do that to myself or to someone I love. I would feel like I was living a lie.

I do understand why someone would suggest this option though. I thank you for your concern. ^_^

Recently, I've been able to explore feelings with an amazing guy, and because of this, I know what is right for me. It's hard to explain, but I feel such peace and balance around him. I so grateful for being able to feel this, even for a short time.

I've also been figuring things out about myself through this experience. I've been under the impression that I was going to be single for such a long time, that I didn't care about my health and appearance. Sad, I know. This is why I've gained such weight since high school. Well, for the past week I haven't been able to eat anything, and I think I've dug through the layers. I'm pretty sure I want to be more attractive, which would explain why I've had such the issue eating. Well, yesterday I got so frustrated with myself that I got on my treadmill and just ran. I swear I've never been that sweaty in my entire life. No joke. Anyway, I feel like I've been able to move past it because I've been able to eat since then. I'm still making sure that I don't eat too much and continue to be active. I only wish I would have been more ready physically for meeting some one, even though it doesn't seem to matter to him.

My mom is so cute lately. She's been asking where I've been going, so I've been telling her. I've been doing stuff with said guy a lot lately(and loving it!). Anyway, I mentioned to her yesterday that we don't have to discuss it if she doesn't want to, and her response was that she wanted to. She wanted to get to know the guy and to like him. It makes me feel like she truly understands me and she wants me to be happy. Thinking about this makes me realize just how much I love tears of joy. I don't recall ever having them until now.

I feel like I couldn't write a coherent, logical idea tonight if I wanted to. Thankfully, I do have my emotional side to fall back on for times like these. I often wonder if I rely on it to much though. More to think about, I suppose.

what is natural?

2006-07-28T22:13:00.000-06:00

Well, my Mom and I had a little "discussion" yesterday.

Basically, my Dad make a smart remark about that I should excommunicate myself from the church (we were on the topic of church due to me playing in a ward on Sunday). Anyway, my mom got upset and snapped at my dad. I then calmly explained to her that if I wanted to withdraw my name from the church, I knew how to do it. I also told her that I hadn't withdrawn my name from the records yet. She then said that she was glad, albeit in a short tone. Then I tried to open communications again, and she wouldn't say anything, so I left for a while.

About an hour later, I came back in there and discussed my homosexuality and it in general. I swear we have this conversation over and over. Anyway, the major jist of it is that it's not natural, and church doctrine. And, my response, is that I understand, but I have a different belief system and that I don't expect her to agree or want what I do, but I ask her to respect my decision. Then, she goes on a bunch of different tangents trying to get me to change my awnser. Unfortunately for her, I'm set on my awnsers.

These conversations always get to me because she is so based in her beliefs. I always find myself sad afterward because of upsetting her, but I can't and won't go back to what she wants me too. Some of her comments afterward really bother me though.

First is that she knew when I was five that I was going to be gay. Now, she's told me once, when she was really upset, that she knew I was gay from a child, but she just constantly hoped against it. What upsets me about this is that I don't understand how she knew but wasn't accepting and painted a horrible picture of it, even to the point of making me scared of my Uncle. Yes, I know it goes against her belief system, but if she knew wouldn't she be able to cope with it by now? And if she knew, why is she putting this "it's not natural" stuff on me. Obviously, I hadn't made that decision that young.

According to her, at that point she asked my grandmother how do deal if I was gay. Her response was love him. They're both very talented. Then, she goes on to tell me that her mother was very depressed when she had to deal with that when she was growing up, and how she is determined not to be depressed by such things. I really...just don't understand that logic. She's obviously having a lot of issues with it. I guess all I can do is continue to be understanding and give her time. I know that I could have much less accepting parents, and I'm blessed to have the parents I do.

Another issue is that she keeps on shoving some book that my highschool therapist made me read (she read it too). Ok, well, this book describes a lady coming over lesbianism in the LDS church. This book... wasn't based on fact and she likes to use it like it's the only truth in the world. It just bothers me because the way to "fix" the "problem" is going to the bishop, praying, fasting, and pursuing a positive relationship. Ok, well, it also charts the amount of time it takes her to get over it. It was over 10 years and it showed in a chart all the times she fell and how far she fell. Ok. Fine. I'll say it's truth. However, the book also stated that many, if not all homosexual people will never have a mate in this life. Goodie. So, I'm expected to go through this life lonely. Um... k. My other issue is that, in my opinion, people have varying degrees of gayness and straightness. This girl was raped by someone in the church when she was young. How easy would it be to turn off one part of you when you have a close to bisexual orientation? There is just too many variables in this book (that and most, if not all, of my lesbian friends claim to have a bisexual orientation because they have attractions to guys too).

She also said that she's glad that I never got the Melc. Priestood, went on a mission, and went through the temple because she feels that my judgement won't be as harsh. She said this in a rather harsh and angry tone. While I, myself, don't care so much about these things, besides being glad I didn't go on a mission, It bothers me. Why? I need to figure it out. I think it has to do with the fact that whenever she would talk about my uncle and how bad he was, she would always add that he went on a mission and went through the temple. What does that have to do with anything?Why can't someone who hasn't done those things know of the "truth"? Especially within the ideas of the church. I'm sorry, but I've known many people who have gone through the temple and are people that aren't exactly wonderful and many people who are members that haven't, but are fabulous people. Maybe I just don't understand. I'll have to think more on this subject.

I haven't been eating normally lately. Is it weird to have to force yourself to eat? I've never had that problem. Ever. It's interesting. I just need to eat more. I've been averaging about 900 calories a day... most of it from not healthy sources. They are the only thing that actually tastes good to me right now. Soda. Yeah, weird. Soda. I'm not even supposed to have soda. Because of being a vocalist and having acid reflux. Those things together plus the normal problems with soda are an issue. Maybe I'm just being nervous about Sunday. That's probably it.

The day

2006-07-27T22:22:00.000-06:00

I have an interesting day coming up. That day would be the 30th. Why so interesting? Let me start at the beginning.

So, I was working at Wal-mart about two and a half months ago. Nothing spectacular, except Susan Green, mother of a violinist my age and old family acquaintance, asked me if I was willing to play cello in a church service. I hesitantly said I would, seeing how I didn’t really have a reason not to. I like to think that I’m willing to give service, even though the lds church and I aren’t exactly on the same terms at the moment. *cough* Anyway, She sees me at Wal-mart again and asked me if the 30th worked (I could have sworn she said 29th, but it is the 30th, especially because it’s a Sunday). That was about a month and a half before the actual date, which is really odd for me because I’ve never been asked to play that far in advance.

The next thing that happened isn’t so much a surprise, but I started reading someone’s blog and we communicated. Anyway, he decided to come and see me play. We have a lot in common, so I’m really excited to meet him.

Then, after my rehearsal with the pianist, she threw me a complete surprise. I’m kind of freaked about it really. It turns out that this Sunday, the one planned way in advance, is the homecoming of an old friend. Josh Cox. One of the first people who I told I was gay to. The first guy I had a crush on. Yes. I had a crush on him. I was completely oblivious at the time, but looking back, I really understood why I was never satisfied with our relationship. Some of my actions make me laugh now because I understand why I did them. I was just looking for attention. Classic school girl. I really did enjoy our all night choir trip talks though.

Needless to say, I’m extremely nervous and excited. I’m going through the whole fight/flight response thing. It’s just odd. Thankfully, I don’t have a crush on the guy anymore. I didn’t when he left.

In a way, I feel like God wanted this to happen. I feel like I happened upon the blog because he led me to it. I feel like he had a hand in setting up the day that I will play and Josh will have his homecoming. It’s just really cool.

instant relationships

2006-07-24T15:27:00.000-06:00

How is it that people are able to percive deeply into someone almost the first time they meet? I get somewhat shocked by how fast relationships have formed for me, like with Meg, Maggy, Jane, etc. I do suppose I see into them to though, because I open up really fast. That's not something I do too often.

The moment in time that I'm a bit infatuated with is when I had my first voice lesson with Prof Johnson at SUU. He heard me sing a little, and we started looking at literature. Well, he turned to E la solita storia del pastore by Cilea (from the opera L'arlesiana) and said that it was going to be a perfect aria for me when I was ready, and turned the page. Almost everytime we looked at literature after that, the piece was mentioned, but quickly turned down do to the difficulty of it. Finally I went on my own and listened to recordings of it, and I can see exactly why this piece is perfect for me.

The range is perfect, in so much that my voice resonates really well in all those places. Also, the romanticism that is in the piece is something I thrive on so much. All the little curves and delicacies are heart melting. That and the way he places the high As are magical. It goes to a B at the very end, but that isn't the amazing note. The As are.

Now, the background of the aria that leads up to this point is that the hero, Federico, loves a girl with a less than admirable reputation. His family refuses to recognize any kind of relationship that Fedrico has with her. The amazing part to the aria is that Fedrico goes into a state where he tells his story as if it were already a legend of sorts. One english translation goes like this:

It's the old tale of the shephard...
The poor boy wanted to retell it
and he fell asleep.
There is oblivion in sleep.
How I envy him!
I too would like to sleep in such a way
in sleep, at least, to find oblivion!
I am seeking only peace.
I would like to be able to foget everything!
Yet everything is futile.
Before me I always have
her sweet face.
Peace is ever robbed from me.
Why must I suffer so much?
She, always she, before me!
Fatal vision, leave me!
You hurt me so much!
Alas!

I make so many connections to this text. I have often found myself looking in on my situation from another. And, the sleep motive is genious. When I went to New Orleans for my first year, I was a complete reck. One of the things I tended to do was sleep. Sleep insane amounts of hours. Why? There was so much pain in my life, and sleep took it all away. As this aria says, there is oblivion in sleep. At that point, it seemed like all I tried didn't work, and I found myself always coming back to sleep, especially when I was stressed out. The heroine represents so many, many different things to me at that time. Homosexuality, School, New Orleans, Music, and the list goes on. I had so much opposition to almost everything I was going to Loyola for from friends and family. I always found myself wondering why it was me that had to suffer so much. Childish, I know, but true none the less. It was hard because I almost didn't want my own understanding at that point.

The final note in the aria, "Ahime", is so tasteful. It really sums up all the pain and suffering that he had gone through. That we had gone through.

Anyway, things and ideas have definately changed for myself since then, but I identify so much with these ideas. And having it in Italian as well, it just makes my heart melt. I'm actually going to be performing this aria next semester on my senior recital. I'm quite excited.

Back to the original idea of the post. I really do believe that God draws me to people and those people to myself, even if only through the most basic ways possible.

emotion

2006-07-23T01:51:00.000-06:00

I've always been one to base all my decisions on my emotions. This, of course, comes with limits, but still. While overall I'm not one to feel that this is a bad thing, it does cause some problems. Like living based on fear. It's hard to develop a sense of oneness if you're always telling people yes because you're afraid of any repercussions. For example, I've been asked to play cello in LDS meetings twice this past month. I, in my normal fashion, have hesitated, but always said yes. Why? Do I want to play cello in their meetings. Thats a resounding no. However, I am conserned with my apperance and my parents. I've grown up here, and I don't want some of the people here disliking me, and if they knew that I don't go to church services, their ideas of me would change. I'm definately a people pleaser, and it's very hard for me to convince myself it would be better to be disliked by others but be true to myself. The other part is that my parents are very well known by this same community, and I don't want to cause them any more grief than I already have. They, unfortunately, have always been conserned with appearance. Appearance has been a big deal as long as I can remember in our Washington, UT community. So while I don't agree with their desisions on the subject matter, I don't want to put them in a bad place. Therefore, I'll be playing cello on the 29th of July and the 13th of August, at this point.

I've also had this dillema with cello and voice that fear has played a part in. Looking back, I always wanted to be involved in the vocal end. I wanted to sing in the choirs. I wanted to act in the musicals. However, I've always been on the cello because that is where I was needed. In one experience, I was in choir and orchestra in eleventh grade, and we were doing our major works concert. It was a Schubert mass. Well, even though it was optional for the orchestra and required for choir, I was told by my choir teacher I would be playing. For once I stood up for what I believed in. However, the result was a little odd. I was handed a solo in the mass if I promised to play. I did take it. That is one time I didn't regret my decision, but I was playing viola in the orchestra that year, rather than cello. All the other times, I was playing cello. That did change my perception on the situation. Still, in West Side Story, Carousel, Eureka, and other musicals, I was still at my cello.

My parents even made me take orchestra in Middle school even though I wanted to try different things. I don't regret it now, but I wonder if I would still be in this dillemma over cello now if things were different.

Anyway, I went to Loyola for music ed. I always knew I wanted to be a teacher, and music was a natural "comfortable" avenue that my parents and my teachers wanted me to pursue. Well, after a year, I was pretty fed up with being a cello emphasis, so I auditioned and got accepted as a vocal student! Well, I was already taking voice lessons with one of the professors on the side, but still. I really felt like that was my passion. I still do most days. However, when hurricane Katrina happened and I ended up at SUU, I had the most awesome voice teacher, and I grew tons. And, not only that, I had a wonderful cello teacher too! One that I really enjoyed working with. So, I stayed. And, my cello teacher convinced me to be a cello and voice emphasis. My cello teacher left this summer, so I'm in a crossroads. I really don't want to be a cello emphasis any longer. I love the cello, but it's just not my passion. I see myself, if I can get everything together, being in opera or musical theater productions. So, what do I do about it now? All my professors at SUU want me to do both. It's a really hard desicion, but I don't see it helping me with my goals. I just don't. And, it's an extra 5-6 hours a day. It's a big commitment.

I really should create a relationship with my uncle and his boyfriend. Yes, my uncle is gay. Why don't I have a relationship? Because my extended family, as well as my mom, have alienated him from the family until the last year or two. Yes, it's very sad. Once again, I'm scared of it though. How many productive relationships have I had with gay men? How many with straight ones? Not many. Not many at all. I've at least had a few with straight men. I've had relationships with gay ones, but none that I would deem as productive. It goes back to me and fear. I just need to overcome that. Anyway, if anyone would know how to get into the buisness, it would be them. My uncle just retired as a singer in the met and Marty, his partner, is still doing the same thing. It's really quite an amazing thing, actually.

That's a goal. Live life without fear, but still pay attention to the fear that is productive. What I mean by productive is the kind that really helps me to be healthy and survive. It's a powerful goal.