So, this abandoned blog is being transformed to something a little more useful to me.
I've been wanting to go to a Gym for a while and really strongly for the last month. Work has been really hard lately, and it has been hard living as far as how I have been feeling and reacting to life. I think that my especially stressful time at work is what pushed me to actually get a change.
I didn't feel like I could make the change. I was afraid to go to a gym. I'm afraid of failure, so any change seemed insurmountable. I finally broke down and asked Bradin to help me get there. He was also quite excited about our new journey.
Today, Bradin and I went to our local Anytime Fitness and took a tour. It is a small facility, but it seems quite homey and not too big or out of control. I really want some time with a trainer there, which they said comes with the membership. We decided to have a trial period to help with our decision, but I'm pretty sure that we'll end up there.
My plan is to go work out first thing on my 3 days off. I figure it will give me a good jump off for daily activities and keep me, hopefully, more active at home.
Tonight, I did go down there for 30 min to use the elliptical just to get over the anxiety that I have. And it is a hard anxiety. I'm filled with a lot of doubts and fears regarding many aspects of my life, but especially the health part of my life. While there, I weighed myself, and I'm sitting at 270 lbs. Far to heavy- I'm hoping to, at some point, get to 200 lbs. We will see.
I'm hoping that this new journey will get myself to have more energy, feel better about myself- which will help all of my relationships, and feel empowered to deal with all that life brings to me.
I still fear that my insecurities won't allow me to continue; the asking for help at the gym, feeling inadequate in front of others at the gym, and letting myself fail because it could be easier.
I need to focus on improving my diet along with working out. I need to get my weight down so that I can feel better and not kill my joints. It will also improve my level of life.
I love what this new journey could bring to my life. I just pray that I'll be able to keep going and that I will succeed. I love these ideas and what this could mean for me.
I'm not going to volunteer this information, my little blog, to the entire world. Maybe a few things for a few people. I want this to be for me. My only consern about not sharing it with the world is that I'm doing it because I'm afraid that I will fail. I still think that it can be a positive thing, however, because hopefully people will see results and I won't have to announce it to the world.
Good luck, myself.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Monday, May 05, 2008
It's been an interesting weekend.
Bradin decided to do Tuachan(a musical theater venue) down in St. George about 3 months ago. I don't know if I'm going to be able to handle him coming and leaving to do shows- I'm just such a stable homebody type person, and I have a REALLY hard time without him here. That and we were supposed to go to Canada and get married in July and now we can't.
This weekend was the weekend that he moved down. Needless to say, I've been highly emotional and moody since he auditioned because of the idea of not being with him for six months! I've had many people tell me that six months isn't a long time- but I don't care. Six months of growth and change can completely change everything.
Two weeks ago I told him that I wasn't waiting for him- that we would have to separate for the summer. I'm not really sure if I was doing that to try and get him to stay or because I knew I would have to change how I handle the world, and it seemed easier to have a schism of some sort. Needless to say, I decided after a day of more crying that it would be worth it to not break it off and try and keep it together.
After all the crying this past week before I went down, I was able to be stable and strong in St. George- which was good because that was the time that he was unstable about it. At least I could be in a comforting role for the first time in months.
Interestingly enough, it was a really hard weekend, and I soared through with flying colors. It also happened to be my graduation weekend at SUU- which I just barely finished an internet course which made that possible. Well, that was hard because I haven't done anything music related this entire year- except drop out of student teaching early last fall. Well, the fact that I dropped and I've been very disinterested with music doesn't really bare well with the music faculty there- they of course had high expectations of me. That was actually really hard to face. But, I still felt like I was able to shine.
The way we facilitated the drive down and back was for me to come down with Bradin and go back with my friend Melissa this morning. Well, Melissa decided that she wanted to go to California last night with one of her friends from Cedar. Well, that meant I was car less, except she let me drive her car, weighted down with all her stuff, home. It wasn't bad, but slightly uncomfortable driving a car that wasn't mine and I wasn't familiar with.
Also, I got an IPOD and a game with my rebate check this weekend. Huzzah.
Well, walking into a Bradin-less house was really hard, and it was really hard for the first four hours or so- to which I had a Jager Bomb and went for a walk- which made me feel better. I decided that being lazy wasn't going to make me feel better, so I've been organizing bills, doing laundry, and I cleaned the fridge- which hasn't been done since I lived here (at least scrubbing it). It makes me feel useful and distracted. here's a pic of my clean fridge-
Needless to say, Bradin hasn't texted me back for quite a while. I feel a bit abandoned and even more sad about it. Still, I know that he's probably getting to know his roommates down there, but it's just really hard for me.
I just feel like my life is up in the air for me. I hope that going back to work will make it better, but work hardly ever does that for me. I guess we'll see.
Ironically enough, I listened to Winter by Tori Amos today, and that song, which was my theme song in high school has a really connection to me right now too. These are the lyrics to that song:
"Winter"
Snow can wait
I forgot my mittens
Wipe my nose
Get my new boots on
I get a little warm in my heart
When I think of winter
I put my hand in my father's glove
I run off
Where the drifts get deeper
Sleeping beauty trips me with a frown
I hear a voice
"Your must learn to stand up for yourself
Cause I can't always be around"
He says
When you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gonna change so fast
All the white horses are still in bed
I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change my dear
Boys get discovered as winter melts
Flowers competing for the sun
Years go by and I'm here still waiting Withering where some snowman was
Mirror mirror where's the crystal palace
But I only can see the myself
Skating around the truth who I am
But I know dad the ice is getting thin
When you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gonna change so fast
All the white horses are still in bed
I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change my dear
Hair is grey
And the fires are burning
So many dreams
On the shelf
You say I wanted you to be proud of me
I always wanted that myself
He says
When you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gonna change so fast
All the white horses have gone ahead
I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change
My dear
The idea's of things changing, loving my self like someone else loves me, wanting someone near, and being proud of myself are all themes that are very relevant to my life currently. I've always loved this song, and it continues to connect to my heart even after all these years.
I'll just have to continue working on being happy and making everything work.
Bradin decided to do Tuachan(a musical theater venue) down in St. George about 3 months ago. I don't know if I'm going to be able to handle him coming and leaving to do shows- I'm just such a stable homebody type person, and I have a REALLY hard time without him here. That and we were supposed to go to Canada and get married in July and now we can't.
This weekend was the weekend that he moved down. Needless to say, I've been highly emotional and moody since he auditioned because of the idea of not being with him for six months! I've had many people tell me that six months isn't a long time- but I don't care. Six months of growth and change can completely change everything.
Two weeks ago I told him that I wasn't waiting for him- that we would have to separate for the summer. I'm not really sure if I was doing that to try and get him to stay or because I knew I would have to change how I handle the world, and it seemed easier to have a schism of some sort. Needless to say, I decided after a day of more crying that it would be worth it to not break it off and try and keep it together.
After all the crying this past week before I went down, I was able to be stable and strong in St. George- which was good because that was the time that he was unstable about it. At least I could be in a comforting role for the first time in months.
Interestingly enough, it was a really hard weekend, and I soared through with flying colors. It also happened to be my graduation weekend at SUU- which I just barely finished an internet course which made that possible. Well, that was hard because I haven't done anything music related this entire year- except drop out of student teaching early last fall. Well, the fact that I dropped and I've been very disinterested with music doesn't really bare well with the music faculty there- they of course had high expectations of me. That was actually really hard to face. But, I still felt like I was able to shine.
The way we facilitated the drive down and back was for me to come down with Bradin and go back with my friend Melissa this morning. Well, Melissa decided that she wanted to go to California last night with one of her friends from Cedar. Well, that meant I was car less, except she let me drive her car, weighted down with all her stuff, home. It wasn't bad, but slightly uncomfortable driving a car that wasn't mine and I wasn't familiar with.
Also, I got an IPOD and a game with my rebate check this weekend. Huzzah.
Well, walking into a Bradin-less house was really hard, and it was really hard for the first four hours or so- to which I had a Jager Bomb and went for a walk- which made me feel better. I decided that being lazy wasn't going to make me feel better, so I've been organizing bills, doing laundry, and I cleaned the fridge- which hasn't been done since I lived here (at least scrubbing it). It makes me feel useful and distracted. here's a pic of my clean fridge-
Needless to say, Bradin hasn't texted me back for quite a while. I feel a bit abandoned and even more sad about it. Still, I know that he's probably getting to know his roommates down there, but it's just really hard for me.
I just feel like my life is up in the air for me. I hope that going back to work will make it better, but work hardly ever does that for me. I guess we'll see.
Ironically enough, I listened to Winter by Tori Amos today, and that song, which was my theme song in high school has a really connection to me right now too. These are the lyrics to that song:
"Winter"
Snow can wait
I forgot my mittens
Wipe my nose
Get my new boots on
I get a little warm in my heart
When I think of winter
I put my hand in my father's glove
I run off
Where the drifts get deeper
Sleeping beauty trips me with a frown
I hear a voice
"Your must learn to stand up for yourself
Cause I can't always be around"
He says
When you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gonna change so fast
All the white horses are still in bed
I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change my dear
Boys get discovered as winter melts
Flowers competing for the sun
Years go by and I'm here still waiting Withering where some snowman was
Mirror mirror where's the crystal palace
But I only can see the myself
Skating around the truth who I am
But I know dad the ice is getting thin
When you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gonna change so fast
All the white horses are still in bed
I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change my dear
Hair is grey
And the fires are burning
So many dreams
On the shelf
You say I wanted you to be proud of me
I always wanted that myself
He says
When you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gonna change so fast
All the white horses have gone ahead
I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change
My dear
The idea's of things changing, loving my self like someone else loves me, wanting someone near, and being proud of myself are all themes that are very relevant to my life currently. I've always loved this song, and it continues to connect to my heart even after all these years.
I'll just have to continue working on being happy and making everything work.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
ramblings
I'm going to the doctor's tomorrow because I've been feeling like crap lately- headaches, blurred vision, side aches- we'll see what happens. It's about time I go though... it's been a week of hell.
I saw Jordan and Eesha Sun, which was AWESOME! They're awesome, and I'm glad I actually get to see them. Granted, I should see Jordan more often... it's only 20 min away.. *sweatdrop*
I'm glad that I've been able to see them, Jessica and Laura this year so far. Loyola was 3 years ago for me... and it's been a while. Luckily, they're all awesome as usual. I wish I could go back to Nawlins and see everybody, but many people aren't there anymore. Most graduated from college and moved away. It's sad, but I still should do it one of these days- if only for Jane, Alex, Katie, Stef, and anyone else that's still around. I'm sure Bradin wouldn't mind- if we had the monies. The only person I see relatively regularly from there is Candy (about twice a year). Even that's not often enough.
I'm getting a new phone today! I'm way excited! It's a Blue Ice Chocolate by LG. It looks pretty! We'll see how well I'll get used to it.
If you like Lesbian comedy, or just comedy in general, check out 3waytv.tv . It's so hilarious! I <3 lesbians.
Bradin's good. He's leaving me for the summer to do Tuachan in St. George, which is a sad state of affairs, but I guess I can drive to Vegas more often during that time. YAY! Mostly, I want to see my friends down there though... not really wanting to hang at Casinos.
Life is good. How's yours?
I saw Jordan and Eesha Sun, which was AWESOME! They're awesome, and I'm glad I actually get to see them. Granted, I should see Jordan more often... it's only 20 min away.. *sweatdrop*
I'm glad that I've been able to see them, Jessica and Laura this year so far. Loyola was 3 years ago for me... and it's been a while. Luckily, they're all awesome as usual. I wish I could go back to Nawlins and see everybody, but many people aren't there anymore. Most graduated from college and moved away. It's sad, but I still should do it one of these days- if only for Jane, Alex, Katie, Stef, and anyone else that's still around. I'm sure Bradin wouldn't mind- if we had the monies. The only person I see relatively regularly from there is Candy (about twice a year). Even that's not often enough.
I'm getting a new phone today! I'm way excited! It's a Blue Ice Chocolate by LG. It looks pretty! We'll see how well I'll get used to it.
If you like Lesbian comedy, or just comedy in general, check out 3waytv.tv . It's so hilarious! I <3 lesbians.
Bradin's good. He's leaving me for the summer to do Tuachan in St. George, which is a sad state of affairs, but I guess I can drive to Vegas more often during that time. YAY! Mostly, I want to see my friends down there though... not really wanting to hang at Casinos.
Life is good. How's yours?
Thursday, November 15, 2007
bleeding...
Today I had a wisdom tooth out because it was infected.
fun. times.
Mostly, I just wish it would stop freaking bleeding! I hate putting the gauze on it every five seconds! It hurts. ;___;
That and in order to get it out, my dentist had to yank and yank and yank... it took at least 10 min. Ow.
On other news, I don't have much to say. Living with Bradin rocks. ^_^ I love him so.
We're getting a piano on Sat, which is nice. We got it at a sale. It's black and pretty. We're very excited!
Have I mentioned that I wish my mouth would stop bleeding?
I'm trying to get everything ready for gradumation in the spring. It's a big chore, I'll tell you. I may have to take a Fine Arts credit on the Net next spring. It's going to cost me $700. Oy.
I have no $. I have so much Debt right now, it scares me. On top of my MILLONS of dollars of student loans, I also have a dental loan, piano loan, I owe my mom for my car (because 'ol gus died ;__;) and a bit of credit card debt. The amounts for all of them are 2,000, except I owe my mom 3,000. I think I'm going to die. I'm only making 20,000 gross a year right now. Ick.
Um... although, I am happy, and Bradin and I are putting our monies together in joint account, so we're really financially together, which makes me feel guilty because I have about $27,000 in debt.
Mouth! Stop Bleeding!
Ok, bye now!
fun. times.
Mostly, I just wish it would stop freaking bleeding! I hate putting the gauze on it every five seconds! It hurts. ;___;
That and in order to get it out, my dentist had to yank and yank and yank... it took at least 10 min. Ow.
On other news, I don't have much to say. Living with Bradin rocks. ^_^ I love him so.
We're getting a piano on Sat, which is nice. We got it at a sale. It's black and pretty. We're very excited!
Have I mentioned that I wish my mouth would stop bleeding?
I'm trying to get everything ready for gradumation in the spring. It's a big chore, I'll tell you. I may have to take a Fine Arts credit on the Net next spring. It's going to cost me $700. Oy.
I have no $. I have so much Debt right now, it scares me. On top of my MILLONS of dollars of student loans, I also have a dental loan, piano loan, I owe my mom for my car (because 'ol gus died ;__;) and a bit of credit card debt. The amounts for all of them are 2,000, except I owe my mom 3,000. I think I'm going to die. I'm only making 20,000 gross a year right now. Ick.
Um... although, I am happy, and Bradin and I are putting our monies together in joint account, so we're really financially together, which makes me feel guilty because I have about $27,000 in debt.
Mouth! Stop Bleeding!
Ok, bye now!
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Student teaching
student teaching It's official. I've finally decided for certain to drop out of clinical practice (student teaching). My mental and physical health has been bad, and I really just don't like it. I don't want to do it any longer. I'm sorry to those I disappoint, but I'm doing this for me and only me. I can no longer do it because my friends and family want me to. Below is what I e-mailed to all my teachers and mentors. It gives a little more of my reasoning.
...
I have decided to withdraw from Clinical Practice. I appreciate all the support and time that my teachers and mentors have put into me for preparation into being a teacher. I can't tell you how many people have touched my life and made me appreciate those in this fine profession. These teachers truly are inspirational.
My main reason that I am withdrawing is that I really haven't been enjoying my time in a classroom. Also, my stress and anxiety levels have been too much. It has been negatively affecting my health in multiple ways. I suspect that my ulcer has gotten much worse due to this, and I really need to focus on my health right now.
I continued pushing into student teaching for the wrong reasons, because I realized during the end of the school year last year that I didn't want to do it. I did it because 1- I was almost done, 2- my parents were pushing me to do it, and 3- I like to finish what I start.
I feel like I gave this semester my all and that I sincerely tried to be a good teacher. I appreciate all the support I have gotten for it, but I need to think more about my health and my future right now. Thank you for your time.
...
I have decided to withdraw from Clinical Practice. I appreciate all the support and time that my teachers and mentors have put into me for preparation into being a teacher. I can't tell you how many people have touched my life and made me appreciate those in this fine profession. These teachers truly are inspirational.
My main reason that I am withdrawing is that I really haven't been enjoying my time in a classroom. Also, my stress and anxiety levels have been too much. It has been negatively affecting my health in multiple ways. I suspect that my ulcer has gotten much worse due to this, and I really need to focus on my health right now.
I continued pushing into student teaching for the wrong reasons, because I realized during the end of the school year last year that I didn't want to do it. I did it because 1- I was almost done, 2- my parents were pushing me to do it, and 3- I like to finish what I start.
I feel like I gave this semester my all and that I sincerely tried to be a good teacher. I appreciate all the support I have gotten for it, but I need to think more about my health and my future right now. Thank you for your time.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Student teaching has been kicking my butt. By the way, I'm at PG High, and I really like the teachers there. They're awesome and I'm certainly learning quite a bit.
It is terrifying, especially because I REALLY don't want to be there most days. I feel so unprepared and am so confused in what I'm doing. I can only hope that I'll get more confident and figure this stuff out, because I certainly don't feel like I am.
Today was my 10th day, and the university supervisor wants to come observe me on Friday. And she wants to come during the biggest choir. It's kinda... bad. What's worse is that I have NO idea what the student's names are in that choir. They don't take roll call and I didn't get to personally meet them all. Oh, and my teacher doesn't have a seating chart for me yet, so mostly, I'm just pretty dang lost.
Each day I'm in front of the groups I feel like I just really suck at teaching. I don't do classroom management well enough, so it's hard to keep them on track. I don't know how to go about teaching concepts yet, which is rough. Also, I just mostly don't know what I'm doing. Hopefully I'll figure it out.
Work is really stressing me out right now too. We have a new assistant manager that is killing us. She's so mean and doesn't trust us. Mostly she ONLY wants us to do what she tells us to. It's freaking annoying! And she doesn't give us the chance to do audits, or anything else that isn't up front with the schedule, responding, or stocking 82s (checkout stuff). It's ridiculous. That and she's mean about it and has ZERO respect for us as supervisors. Luckily the cashiers and other people under us don't have to deal with the crap we do, at least yet. Needless to say, I put in for the part time vision center position, and I hope I get it. I so want out.
And, that's about it. I hope everyone is doing better than I, because I CAN'T function on 6 hours of sleep, no matter what I do. I'm a zombie. Not a good brain eating zombie though... just a stupid drooling one. Ah well.
Oh, and I'm supposed to play cello at a wedding too. One more thing that I can't find time for. Boo.
It is terrifying, especially because I REALLY don't want to be there most days. I feel so unprepared and am so confused in what I'm doing. I can only hope that I'll get more confident and figure this stuff out, because I certainly don't feel like I am.
Today was my 10th day, and the university supervisor wants to come observe me on Friday. And she wants to come during the biggest choir. It's kinda... bad. What's worse is that I have NO idea what the student's names are in that choir. They don't take roll call and I didn't get to personally meet them all. Oh, and my teacher doesn't have a seating chart for me yet, so mostly, I'm just pretty dang lost.
Each day I'm in front of the groups I feel like I just really suck at teaching. I don't do classroom management well enough, so it's hard to keep them on track. I don't know how to go about teaching concepts yet, which is rough. Also, I just mostly don't know what I'm doing. Hopefully I'll figure it out.
Work is really stressing me out right now too. We have a new assistant manager that is killing us. She's so mean and doesn't trust us. Mostly she ONLY wants us to do what she tells us to. It's freaking annoying! And she doesn't give us the chance to do audits, or anything else that isn't up front with the schedule, responding, or stocking 82s (checkout stuff). It's ridiculous. That and she's mean about it and has ZERO respect for us as supervisors. Luckily the cashiers and other people under us don't have to deal with the crap we do, at least yet. Needless to say, I put in for the part time vision center position, and I hope I get it. I so want out.
And, that's about it. I hope everyone is doing better than I, because I CAN'T function on 6 hours of sleep, no matter what I do. I'm a zombie. Not a good brain eating zombie though... just a stupid drooling one. Ah well.
Oh, and I'm supposed to play cello at a wedding too. One more thing that I can't find time for. Boo.
Saturday, August 25, 2007
The day... oy
Ok, today = seriously bad.
Let me preface with the fact that yesterday, I met with my cooperating teacher. It was an... awkward meeting, and I didn't exactly like the school, and I didn't exactly like the cooperating teacher, but I was being positive, and I was totally going to make the best of it.
My car also has been just stopping every so often in the past month. And stalling for no reason while driving in the middle of the road is NOT the funnest thing ever. So, I took it into a shop that day.
And now to today (and yes, I'm counting it as today, even though it's 2 AM), Well, I woke up at about 1 PM to a voice mail on my phone. Apparently, my cooperating teacher decided that she wasn't a fan of me, or something else, because she canceled my placement. Great. It makes me so happy when I was supposed to start on Monday.
Then I called the mechanic to see what was happening with my car. Well, there is about 15 things wrong with it. The three major things that HAVE to be repaired immediately it'll cost at least $800- $1,000. Considering it's such an old and cheap car, it's really not worth putting that much money into it, because it'll probably just die soon anyway. My dad and the mechanic agree.
So, now, even if I get a placement, which the clinical practice coordinator is trying hard to find one, I don't know how I'll be able to get there and back. And I've already poured all my money into the semester, because my financial aid ran out. So, I'm just having a grand 'ole time.
Today's been hard. I've cried my fair share, and I've just tried to keep everything good, focused, and real. Things will work out. I just have to hope. All I can say is that my eyes hurt and that causes me a headache. It just makes it all the better.
At least I still have my job.
Let me preface with the fact that yesterday, I met with my cooperating teacher. It was an... awkward meeting, and I didn't exactly like the school, and I didn't exactly like the cooperating teacher, but I was being positive, and I was totally going to make the best of it.
My car also has been just stopping every so often in the past month. And stalling for no reason while driving in the middle of the road is NOT the funnest thing ever. So, I took it into a shop that day.
And now to today (and yes, I'm counting it as today, even though it's 2 AM), Well, I woke up at about 1 PM to a voice mail on my phone. Apparently, my cooperating teacher decided that she wasn't a fan of me, or something else, because she canceled my placement. Great. It makes me so happy when I was supposed to start on Monday.
Then I called the mechanic to see what was happening with my car. Well, there is about 15 things wrong with it. The three major things that HAVE to be repaired immediately it'll cost at least $800- $1,000. Considering it's such an old and cheap car, it's really not worth putting that much money into it, because it'll probably just die soon anyway. My dad and the mechanic agree.
So, now, even if I get a placement, which the clinical practice coordinator is trying hard to find one, I don't know how I'll be able to get there and back. And I've already poured all my money into the semester, because my financial aid ran out. So, I'm just having a grand 'ole time.
Today's been hard. I've cried my fair share, and I've just tried to keep everything good, focused, and real. Things will work out. I just have to hope. All I can say is that my eyes hurt and that causes me a headache. It just makes it all the better.
At least I still have my job.
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