what is natural?

Well, my Mom and I had a little "discussion" yesterday.

Basically, my Dad make a smart remark about that I should excommunicate myself from the church (we were on the topic of church due to me playing in a ward on Sunday). Anyway, my mom got upset and snapped at my dad. I then calmly explained to her that if I wanted to withdraw my name from the church, I knew how to do it. I also told her that I hadn't withdrawn my name from the records yet. She then said that she was glad, albeit in a short tone. Then I tried to open communications again, and she wouldn't say anything, so I left for a while.

About an hour later, I came back in there and discussed my homosexuality and it in general. I swear we have this conversation over and over. Anyway, the major jist of it is that it's not natural, and church doctrine. And, my response, is that I understand, but I have a different belief system and that I don't expect her to agree or want what I do, but I ask her to respect my decision. Then, she goes on a bunch of different tangents trying to get me to change my awnser. Unfortunately for her, I'm set on my awnsers.

These conversations always get to me because she is so based in her beliefs. I always find myself sad afterward because of upsetting her, but I can't and won't go back to what she wants me too. Some of her comments afterward really bother me though.

First is that she knew when I was five that I was going to be gay. Now, she's told me once, when she was really upset, that she knew I was gay from a child, but she just constantly hoped against it. What upsets me about this is that I don't understand how she knew but wasn't accepting and painted a horrible picture of it, even to the point of making me scared of my Uncle. Yes, I know it goes against her belief system, but if she knew wouldn't she be able to cope with it by now? And if she knew, why is she putting this "it's not natural" stuff on me. Obviously, I hadn't made that decision that young.

According to her, at that point she asked my grandmother how do deal if I was gay. Her response was love him. They're both very talented. Then, she goes on to tell me that her mother was very depressed when she had to deal with that when she was growing up, and how she is determined not to be depressed by such things. I really...just don't understand that logic. She's obviously having a lot of issues with it. I guess all I can do is continue to be understanding and give her time. I know that I could have much less accepting parents, and I'm blessed to have the parents I do.

Another issue is that she keeps on shoving some book that my highschool therapist made me read (she read it too). Ok, well, this book describes a lady coming over lesbianism in the LDS church. This book... wasn't based on fact and she likes to use it like it's the only truth in the world. It just bothers me because the way to "fix" the "problem" is going to the bishop, praying, fasting, and pursuing a positive relationship. Ok, well, it also charts the amount of time it takes her to get over it. It was over 10 years and it showed in a chart all the times she fell and how far she fell. Ok. Fine. I'll say it's truth. However, the book also stated that many, if not all homosexual people will never have a mate in this life. Goodie. So, I'm expected to go through this life lonely. Um... k. My other issue is that, in my opinion, people have varying degrees of gayness and straightness. This girl was raped by someone in the church when she was young. How easy would it be to turn off one part of you when you have a close to bisexual orientation? There is just too many variables in this book (that and most, if not all, of my lesbian friends claim to have a bisexual orientation because they have attractions to guys too).

She also said that she's glad that I never got the Melc. Priestood, went on a mission, and went through the temple because she feels that my judgement won't be as harsh. She said this in a rather harsh and angry tone. While I, myself, don't care so much about these things, besides being glad I didn't go on a mission, It bothers me. Why? I need to figure it out. I think it has to do with the fact that whenever she would talk about my uncle and how bad he was, she would always add that he went on a mission and went through the temple. What does that have to do with anything?Why can't someone who hasn't done those things know of the "truth"? Especially within the ideas of the church. I'm sorry, but I've known many people who have gone through the temple and are people that aren't exactly wonderful and many people who are members that haven't, but are fabulous people. Maybe I just don't understand. I'll have to think more on this subject.

I haven't been eating normally lately. Is it weird to have to force yourself to eat? I've never had that problem. Ever. It's interesting. I just need to eat more. I've been averaging about 900 calories a day... most of it from not healthy sources. They are the only thing that actually tastes good to me right now. Soda. Yeah, weird. Soda. I'm not even supposed to have soda. Because of being a vocalist and having acid reflux. Those things together plus the normal problems with soda are an issue. Maybe I'm just being nervous about Sunday. That's probably it.

The day

I have an interesting day coming up. That day would be the 30th. Why so interesting? Let me start at the beginning.

So, I was working at Wal-mart about two and a half months ago. Nothing spectacular, except Susan Green, mother of a violinist my age and old family acquaintance, asked me if I was willing to play cello in a church service. I hesitantly said I would, seeing how I didn’t really have a reason not to. I like to think that I’m willing to give service, even though the lds church and I aren’t exactly on the same terms at the moment. *cough* Anyway, She sees me at Wal-mart again and asked me if the 30th worked (I could have sworn she said 29th, but it is the 30th, especially because it’s a Sunday). That was about a month and a half before the actual date, which is really odd for me because I’ve never been asked to play that far in advance.

The next thing that happened isn’t so much a surprise, but I started reading someone’s blog and we communicated. Anyway, he decided to come and see me play. We have a lot in common, so I’m really excited to meet him.

Then, after my rehearsal with the pianist, she threw me a complete surprise. I’m kind of freaked about it really. It turns out that this Sunday, the one planned way in advance, is the homecoming of an old friend. Josh Cox. One of the first people who I told I was gay to. The first guy I had a crush on. Yes. I had a crush on him. I was completely oblivious at the time, but looking back, I really understood why I was never satisfied with our relationship. Some of my actions make me laugh now because I understand why I did them. I was just looking for attention. Classic school girl. I really did enjoy our all night choir trip talks though.

Needless to say, I’m extremely nervous and excited. I’m going through the whole fight/flight response thing. It’s just odd. Thankfully, I don’t have a crush on the guy anymore. I didn’t when he left.

In a way, I feel like God wanted this to happen. I feel like I happened upon the blog because he led me to it. I feel like he had a hand in setting up the day that I will play and Josh will have his homecoming. It’s just really cool.

instant relationships

How is it that people are able to percive deeply into someone almost the first time they meet? I get somewhat shocked by how fast relationships have formed for me, like with Meg, Maggy, Jane, etc. I do suppose I see into them to though, because I open up really fast. That's not something I do too often.

The moment in time that I'm a bit infatuated with is when I had my first voice lesson with Prof Johnson at SUU. He heard me sing a little, and we started looking at literature. Well, he turned to E la solita storia del pastore by Cilea (from the opera L'arlesiana) and said that it was going to be a perfect aria for me when I was ready, and turned the page. Almost everytime we looked at literature after that, the piece was mentioned, but quickly turned down do to the difficulty of it. Finally I went on my own and listened to recordings of it, and I can see exactly why this piece is perfect for me.

The range is perfect, in so much that my voice resonates really well in all those places. Also, the romanticism that is in the piece is something I thrive on so much. All the little curves and delicacies are heart melting. That and the way he places the high As are magical. It goes to a B at the very end, but that isn't the amazing note. The As are.

Now, the background of the aria that leads up to this point is that the hero, Federico, loves a girl with a less than admirable reputation. His family refuses to recognize any kind of relationship that Fedrico has with her. The amazing part to the aria is that Fedrico goes into a state where he tells his story as if it were already a legend of sorts. One english translation goes like this:

It's the old tale of the shephard...
The poor boy wanted to retell it
and he fell asleep.
There is oblivion in sleep.
How I envy him!
I too would like to sleep in such a way
in sleep, at least, to find oblivion!
I am seeking only peace.
I would like to be able to foget everything!
Yet everything is futile.
Before me I always have
her sweet face.
Peace is ever robbed from me.
Why must I suffer so much?
She, always she, before me!
Fatal vision, leave me!
You hurt me so much!
Alas!

I make so many connections to this text. I have often found myself looking in on my situation from another. And, the sleep motive is genious. When I went to New Orleans for my first year, I was a complete reck. One of the things I tended to do was sleep. Sleep insane amounts of hours. Why? There was so much pain in my life, and sleep took it all away. As this aria says, there is oblivion in sleep. At that point, it seemed like all I tried didn't work, and I found myself always coming back to sleep, especially when I was stressed out. The heroine represents so many, many different things to me at that time. Homosexuality, School, New Orleans, Music, and the list goes on. I had so much opposition to almost everything I was going to Loyola for from friends and family. I always found myself wondering why it was me that had to suffer so much. Childish, I know, but true none the less. It was hard because I almost didn't want my own understanding at that point.

The final note in the aria, "Ahime", is so tasteful. It really sums up all the pain and suffering that he had gone through. That we had gone through.

Anyway, things and ideas have definately changed for myself since then, but I identify so much with these ideas. And having it in Italian as well, it just makes my heart melt. I'm actually going to be performing this aria next semester on my senior recital. I'm quite excited.

Back to the original idea of the post. I really do believe that God draws me to people and those people to myself, even if only through the most basic ways possible.

emotion

I've always been one to base all my decisions on my emotions. This, of course, comes with limits, but still. While overall I'm not one to feel that this is a bad thing, it does cause some problems. Like living based on fear. It's hard to develop a sense of oneness if you're always telling people yes because you're afraid of any repercussions. For example, I've been asked to play cello in LDS meetings twice this past month. I, in my normal fashion, have hesitated, but always said yes. Why? Do I want to play cello in their meetings. Thats a resounding no. However, I am conserned with my apperance and my parents. I've grown up here, and I don't want some of the people here disliking me, and if they knew that I don't go to church services, their ideas of me would change. I'm definately a people pleaser, and it's very hard for me to convince myself it would be better to be disliked by others but be true to myself. The other part is that my parents are very well known by this same community, and I don't want to cause them any more grief than I already have. They, unfortunately, have always been conserned with appearance. Appearance has been a big deal as long as I can remember in our Washington, UT community. So while I don't agree with their desisions on the subject matter, I don't want to put them in a bad place. Therefore, I'll be playing cello on the 29th of July and the 13th of August, at this point.

I've also had this dillema with cello and voice that fear has played a part in. Looking back, I always wanted to be involved in the vocal end. I wanted to sing in the choirs. I wanted to act in the musicals. However, I've always been on the cello because that is where I was needed. In one experience, I was in choir and orchestra in eleventh grade, and we were doing our major works concert. It was a Schubert mass. Well, even though it was optional for the orchestra and required for choir, I was told by my choir teacher I would be playing. For once I stood up for what I believed in. However, the result was a little odd. I was handed a solo in the mass if I promised to play. I did take it. That is one time I didn't regret my decision, but I was playing viola in the orchestra that year, rather than cello. All the other times, I was playing cello. That did change my perception on the situation. Still, in West Side Story, Carousel, Eureka, and other musicals, I was still at my cello.

My parents even made me take orchestra in Middle school even though I wanted to try different things. I don't regret it now, but I wonder if I would still be in this dillemma over cello now if things were different.

Anyway, I went to Loyola for music ed. I always knew I wanted to be a teacher, and music was a natural "comfortable" avenue that my parents and my teachers wanted me to pursue. Well, after a year, I was pretty fed up with being a cello emphasis, so I auditioned and got accepted as a vocal student! Well, I was already taking voice lessons with one of the professors on the side, but still. I really felt like that was my passion. I still do most days. However, when hurricane Katrina happened and I ended up at SUU, I had the most awesome voice teacher, and I grew tons. And, not only that, I had a wonderful cello teacher too! One that I really enjoyed working with. So, I stayed. And, my cello teacher convinced me to be a cello and voice emphasis. My cello teacher left this summer, so I'm in a crossroads. I really don't want to be a cello emphasis any longer. I love the cello, but it's just not my passion. I see myself, if I can get everything together, being in opera or musical theater productions. So, what do I do about it now? All my professors at SUU want me to do both. It's a really hard desicion, but I don't see it helping me with my goals. I just don't. And, it's an extra 5-6 hours a day. It's a big commitment.

I really should create a relationship with my uncle and his boyfriend. Yes, my uncle is gay. Why don't I have a relationship? Because my extended family, as well as my mom, have alienated him from the family until the last year or two. Yes, it's very sad. Once again, I'm scared of it though. How many productive relationships have I had with gay men? How many with straight ones? Not many. Not many at all. I've at least had a few with straight men. I've had relationships with gay ones, but none that I would deem as productive. It goes back to me and fear. I just need to overcome that. Anyway, if anyone would know how to get into the buisness, it would be them. My uncle just retired as a singer in the met and Marty, his partner, is still doing the same thing. It's really quite an amazing thing, actually.

That's a goal. Live life without fear, but still pay attention to the fear that is productive. What I mean by productive is the kind that really helps me to be healthy and survive. It's a powerful goal.