intimacy

Tonight, I watched “The Life of David Gale” with Melissa. Well, forced her to watch it is more like it. ;) It’s one of my all time favorite movies, and one of the few I own. It’s extremely recommended.

Anyway, one thing that I don’t care for in movies is sex scenes, but in this movie there are two. The first one is very raunchy, but the second one is the scene that connected to me tonight.

I’ll try not to give away this scene, but this lady, who is dying from cancer is in almost constant pain, and her friend are talking and she says that she wish she would have had more sex. The guy then asks how many lovers she had, and felt bad for her, so he offered himself. Here’s an excerpt from the script:

CONSTANCE
You work hard not to be seen as a sex object. Before long, you're not seen at all.

DAVID
I see you.

They are holding hands in the air, their elbows on the chairs' armrests.

DAVID
Want to make it five? Finish the hand?

CONSTANCE
A pity lay. No thanks.

A beat. They watch their fingers lightly play with one another.

DAVID
It wouldn't be pity.

They turn, their eyes meet, hold.

INT. CONSTANCE'S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Constance and David are in bed making love. He's on top, one hand supports her head, the other strokes her face. They tenderly kiss. He starts moving, gently.

DAVID
Are you okay?

CONSTANCE
Don't worry.

He kisses her neck.

CONSTANCE
It's good.

Moves up to her ear.

CONSTANCE
Talk to me. Let me hear your voice.

DAVID
(in her ear)
I'm here. Happy. I'm very happy.

He kisses her mouth, moves against her in delicate rhythm.

Her moans take on a teary edge. Their voices, breathless whispers, meld into one another.

CONSTANCE
Hold me tight.

DAVID
I'm here.

CONSTANCE
Tight... I'm scared.

DAVID
It's okay.

She's begun to cry.

DAVID
Okay.

He stops moving, kisses her tears.

CONSTANCE
Don't stop. Stay in me. Please stay in me.

He moves again, slowly.

DAVID
Shhh. I'm staying.

CONSTANCE
I need to feel you inside.

DAVID
It's okay. I'm inside. I'm not pulling out.

CONSTANCE
I'm so tired.

DAVID
I know, I know.

CONSTANCE
Tired of being afraid.

DAVID
Shhh.

CONSTANCE
Help me.

DAVID
I'm here. It's okay.

CONSTANCE
Help me. Please. Make it stop.

DAVID
Shhh. I'm here. I'm here.


They’ve been good colleagues and friends in this movie, but never anything romantic at all. I feel so connected to this because I really feel and understand this intimacy more now than I did last time I watched this movie (over a year ago).

Sex can definitely be looked at as a lewd and nasty thing, as I’ve been somewhat conditioned to do growing up, but in my experiences, it’s not. It’s such a connecting, loving thing, especially when done in such a way that both people are being considerate and listening to what the other has to say, like in this situation.

I couldn’t help but share this tender moment with everyone, regardless of how crude or uncivilized people may take it. I suppose I really love these moments when I realize that my own relationship is just as tender and loving as this is. I half expected that a gay relationship couldn’t be, but it is. And I’m so glad. Granted, it’s all based off of the people involved.

In other news, it’s been quite a busy time. I find that I don’t have time for much, that’s for sure. Opera rehearsals are going in full swing late into the night, which is part of it, but I’m still enjoying it, which is wonderful. I have a choir concert on Saturday, and an orchestra concert on Monday along with extra rehearsals, so I’m definitely running from here to there.

I hope everyone is doing fabulously!

small steps

I’m having quite a great day, despite being quite tired. I am really quite proud of myself today.

So, someone’s actions this week led me to believe that they were going to tell me something sad. Well, even if it is just sad to me. Really, it’s a positive thing for them. I ended up asking about it today, and they told me what I was expecting. Now, even though I expected it, I still knew I’d be sad to have it confirmed, so in the few minutes after I found out, I excused myself and went and took a shower, quite the nice place to think and go over things.

The emotion was much stronger than I expected it, and I have a hard time dealing with such strong emotion. I still tried to deal with it. I went from multiple stages of emotion. My first inclination is to figure out a way to turn my sad emotions into something different, like anger, sly, revengeful, etc. Well, I had some thoughts pop up of throwing it back at my friend, but I immediately dismissed them. Even as sad as I was, I still was able to push them out quite quickly. So, even though I antagonized about it, I was still in a stage where I was in confusion and my mind was racing trying to fix this problem. I ended up crying for just a moment, while shaving (which isn’t recommended, by the way. Shaving your face being unable to see isn’t the smartest thing). Well, I had said good bye to him for the day because I wouldn’t have a chance to talk to him for the rest of the day and even though there was a little bit of time after getting ready, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to handle it.

After sitting down, eating breakfast, I decided that I wanted to talk to him some more, so I did. Well, I held my tongue and didn’t say what I was thinking. It’s not so much that I would have said something hurtful, but I would have said something that would have made him really curious, then I would have told him how sad I was, but instead I told him that I’d be strong. At that point, all negative emotion left, kind of like a blanket being lifted off of me.

It may seem like no big deal to anyone but me, but the fact that I was able to get over something in such a short time (about 30 min) and without any crutches was awesome! How could I not be happy with myself? ^_^

Not to mention that when I sang my solo in choir, Dr. St. Pierre acted astonished that I could do it so well! And I got multiple complements on it! ^_^

I also got word through Ms. Prof. Roulet from my old cello teacher! She said that she’s glad that I won the concerto competition and that she wished me the best. I miss Joan. She rocked.

Anyway, despite my cello lesson being cancelled and me being an overly emotional person, I’m having a great day! I haven’t even had caffeine and I’ve been really tired. Life is quite wonderful!

Having such a wonderful boyfriend makes it all the better! <3

reflections

I decided to change the layout and colors of my blog a bit. It was time for a change. It makes me seem slightly color blind, but I wanted some more vibrant colors, and if I spent a bit more time on it, it’d probably be better. I’m definitely not a web page designer. Still, it is unique. ^_^

I’m in a rather nervous and uncontented place, considering where I have been. I’m going into a doubting mode in regards to things I really love. It’s not exactly healthy to let myself do such things. Especially because it’s in regard to something I can’t bare to lose. Something I have my heart set on. Meg gave me some good advice though. To not worry about the future and just make things happen. I’ve never thought about making myself fit in, but I suppose I could do that. Well, as long as I'm still genuinely me. I’m not exactly going to sacrifice myself for such things.

You know, I really do have amazing friends that give me great ideas and advice. How wonderful is that? I’m definitely a lucky person.

I do need to learn not to let individual events affect my temperament and thought process. It’s a hard thing to do for me, but just because I am slightly disappointed in something, it doesn’t mean I should let it leak into all aspects of my life. Unfortunately, it often does.

In the last few days, I’ve been rather disappointed in my weight. It’s so funny, because before I was in a relationship, I totally didn’t care about that. It wasn’t important. It also wasn’t important once I got into a relationship because my boyfriend doesn’t care about it. Well, I want to lose weight again. I was conditioned to believe that I wouldn’t get a significant other, a job, or happiness unless I was thin, so I can’t say that it doesn’t play into the decision. Also, I want to match my boyfriend a little bit too. I don’t want to be such a polar opposite with weight. I don’t want people or myself to think or feel like our relationship shouldn’t be because we’re so different. Then, in opera, this dancer came in and was choreographing some, and I was really quite infatuated with some of his movements. They were beautiful, and just very pure.

I would like to be able to do some of those dance moves. I would like to have that kind of energy to even attempt them. Unfortunately, energy is one thing I don’t have. I drag myself from thing to thing using caffeine as a crutch. Now, I definitely could use clinical depression as a crutch, because it causes a lack of energy, but what good does that do me? It would be much more productive to try and exercise and eat for maximum energy. I want to try and attempt that, but like most of the things I try to do, it’ll fall apart. I don’t know how to change habits. I’ve tried very hard to get off of caffeine and soda, but I haven’t. I’m drinking slightly less right now, but I still have about 2 caffeinated sodas a day, which still isn’t great.

Plus, being overweight and a vocalist doesn’t work well. Yes, I get by, but when I’m singing correctly, but I put a slight strain on my back to do so.

Talking about weight and health seems somewhat futile to me, because even though I have many, many reasons to change what I do, I don’t do it. I like my “crutches”, caffeine and soda being a couple of them. I want to live my life without crutches, but unless I make it happen, I’ll always rely on them.

On a more exciting note, I’m excited about my vocal training right now. I’m enjoying opera and my voice lessons. I also auditioned for some solos for concert choir, so I’m crossing my fingers.

Overall, things are looking up when it comes to the whole picture (like having a wonderful boyfriend, having wonderful opportunities, great friends, and being able to pursue my dreams. I just need to focus on that.

My love goes out to my readers and to the world <3

obligations

I’ve been reminded of a major event in my life when I was at Loyola. I thought I’d share it.

There was a time where Jessica, Jen, Maggy, and I would make all these plans, like starting a Manga club, Naruto Milkshake Thursdays, etc. Well, I would hardly ever follow through with them. Like, for example, even though the Manga club was my idea initially, I didn’t go once. I would say that I would do it, and not show up, or make some lame excuse. Well, this one time, where I never said I was going to meet with them, but I said I wanted to, I ended up doing something with Candace instead. I didn’t think much of it, because I hadn’t actually said I was going to do anything with them. Well, they planned a way to make me feel how it feels to be left out. They planned on having Naruto Milkshake Thursdays without me. So, Jen said that we weren’t doing it in orchestra, and I wandered down to Jessica’s room, and Laura said they were at Jen’s watching it. I was livid. I was really upset that they would lie to me. Well, they confronted me about it the next day at anime club where I just started bawling and I left before the meeting ever started. Well, the next day I talked to Jessica, even though I was quite upset, because I really didn’t want that friendship to end, even though I was really upset. I remember telling her that I wouldn’t take such a thing from them again. That I just couldn’t handle it. Well, there was a misunderstanding that time, but it made me realize just how much keeping plans with your friends and colleagues is so important. Luckily, we talked it out and got over it, but it was a very hard thing in my life.

So, I feel very hypocritical by pointing out that I would like to at least be known about the changing of plans especially because this circumstance isn’t really a big deal at all. Yes, I’m very conscious of such things because I’ve had experiences with it, but is it really fair to push it on someone when it’s so trivial? I did have a slight reaction to it. Not a big one at all.

Needless to say, I need to give more compassion in similar situations. People, especially the ones close to me, are very important to me. Much more important to me than some small little thing like not showing up when they say they will or not calling me. I hope that one day I’ll be a better, more loving person.

Excitement

I just got back from Cali! We(my bf and I) went there on Friday, and stopped in Vegas to introduce him to Candy. She also gave us free tickets to go to Six Flags, which is why we were going on the trip in the first place, so we totally saved about $140!!! Sweet! Candy, you rock! He thought you were really cool, btw.

Anywho, I tried my first wine down there with him. The kind we got wasn't tasty, but eh. It was pretty much a stab in the dark because neither of us knew anything about wine. It was a good experience though.

Six Flags ROCKED! The new ride, the Tatsu, is really cool! You sit down, then are tilted with your back against the sky, like you're flying, and you go really fast! It was awesome. The day was actually not too busy, and we got through all the major rollercoasters except X, because it was closed (Booo!). Tatsu was a really long wait, about 2 hours, but some rides like Goliath, Scream, Batman, and The Riddler took us literally seconds to get on! It was way cool just to walk up and jump on. Besides the Tatsu, the longest wait we had was about 45 minutes for Dejavu. Not bad, really.

It was sooooo cool to spend that time with my bf. I feel so much closer to him. I'm way, way happy.

I auditioned for the Salute to Youth competition for the Southwest Symphony on Friday before we left. Needless to say, I totally got in! I'm way stoked!! So, I'll be playing the Lalo Cello Concerto, Mvt. 1 in March with them! It's way, way cool. I'm very excited, because the competition was really quite stiff. Makes me feel special. *tear*

Hope everyone is doing well!