emotion

I've always been one to base all my decisions on my emotions. This, of course, comes with limits, but still. While overall I'm not one to feel that this is a bad thing, it does cause some problems. Like living based on fear. It's hard to develop a sense of oneness if you're always telling people yes because you're afraid of any repercussions. For example, I've been asked to play cello in LDS meetings twice this past month. I, in my normal fashion, have hesitated, but always said yes. Why? Do I want to play cello in their meetings. Thats a resounding no. However, I am conserned with my apperance and my parents. I've grown up here, and I don't want some of the people here disliking me, and if they knew that I don't go to church services, their ideas of me would change. I'm definately a people pleaser, and it's very hard for me to convince myself it would be better to be disliked by others but be true to myself. The other part is that my parents are very well known by this same community, and I don't want to cause them any more grief than I already have. They, unfortunately, have always been conserned with appearance. Appearance has been a big deal as long as I can remember in our Washington, UT community. So while I don't agree with their desisions on the subject matter, I don't want to put them in a bad place. Therefore, I'll be playing cello on the 29th of July and the 13th of August, at this point.

I've also had this dillema with cello and voice that fear has played a part in. Looking back, I always wanted to be involved in the vocal end. I wanted to sing in the choirs. I wanted to act in the musicals. However, I've always been on the cello because that is where I was needed. In one experience, I was in choir and orchestra in eleventh grade, and we were doing our major works concert. It was a Schubert mass. Well, even though it was optional for the orchestra and required for choir, I was told by my choir teacher I would be playing. For once I stood up for what I believed in. However, the result was a little odd. I was handed a solo in the mass if I promised to play. I did take it. That is one time I didn't regret my decision, but I was playing viola in the orchestra that year, rather than cello. All the other times, I was playing cello. That did change my perception on the situation. Still, in West Side Story, Carousel, Eureka, and other musicals, I was still at my cello.

My parents even made me take orchestra in Middle school even though I wanted to try different things. I don't regret it now, but I wonder if I would still be in this dillemma over cello now if things were different.

Anyway, I went to Loyola for music ed. I always knew I wanted to be a teacher, and music was a natural "comfortable" avenue that my parents and my teachers wanted me to pursue. Well, after a year, I was pretty fed up with being a cello emphasis, so I auditioned and got accepted as a vocal student! Well, I was already taking voice lessons with one of the professors on the side, but still. I really felt like that was my passion. I still do most days. However, when hurricane Katrina happened and I ended up at SUU, I had the most awesome voice teacher, and I grew tons. And, not only that, I had a wonderful cello teacher too! One that I really enjoyed working with. So, I stayed. And, my cello teacher convinced me to be a cello and voice emphasis. My cello teacher left this summer, so I'm in a crossroads. I really don't want to be a cello emphasis any longer. I love the cello, but it's just not my passion. I see myself, if I can get everything together, being in opera or musical theater productions. So, what do I do about it now? All my professors at SUU want me to do both. It's a really hard desicion, but I don't see it helping me with my goals. I just don't. And, it's an extra 5-6 hours a day. It's a big commitment.

I really should create a relationship with my uncle and his boyfriend. Yes, my uncle is gay. Why don't I have a relationship? Because my extended family, as well as my mom, have alienated him from the family until the last year or two. Yes, it's very sad. Once again, I'm scared of it though. How many productive relationships have I had with gay men? How many with straight ones? Not many. Not many at all. I've at least had a few with straight men. I've had relationships with gay ones, but none that I would deem as productive. It goes back to me and fear. I just need to overcome that. Anyway, if anyone would know how to get into the buisness, it would be them. My uncle just retired as a singer in the met and Marty, his partner, is still doing the same thing. It's really quite an amazing thing, actually.

That's a goal. Live life without fear, but still pay attention to the fear that is productive. What I mean by productive is the kind that really helps me to be healthy and survive. It's a powerful goal.