gay, mormon, marriage

I was recently sent an article from my friend Rachel regarding being gay, mormon, and being married. No, Rachel, I'm not mad at you. I would feel like a complete hypocrite if I just got angry because someone suggested something to me. Plus, reading and thinking is always a great way to think and evaluate how one views the world.

link to the article- http://www.sltrib.com/ci_4136232

I have thought about this a lot when I was younger. You know, like in high school. I don't think it would ever work for me. I couldn't honestly live like that. I decided that I would rather be a lonely old man than married to a woman whom I didn't have feelings with. My feelings haven't changed. I've already gone through a relationship where the girl has had feelings for me, and it's confusing and painful at moments. I couldn't do that to myself or to someone I love. I would feel like I was living a lie.

I do understand why someone would suggest this option though. I thank you for your concern. ^_^

Recently, I've been able to explore feelings with an amazing guy, and because of this, I know what is right for me. It's hard to explain, but I feel such peace and balance around him. I so grateful for being able to feel this, even for a short time.

I've also been figuring things out about myself through this experience. I've been under the impression that I was going to be single for such a long time, that I didn't care about my health and appearance. Sad, I know. This is why I've gained such weight since high school. Well, for the past week I haven't been able to eat anything, and I think I've dug through the layers. I'm pretty sure I want to be more attractive, which would explain why I've had such the issue eating. Well, yesterday I got so frustrated with myself that I got on my treadmill and just ran. I swear I've never been that sweaty in my entire life. No joke. Anyway, I feel like I've been able to move past it because I've been able to eat since then. I'm still making sure that I don't eat too much and continue to be active. I only wish I would have been more ready physically for meeting some one, even though it doesn't seem to matter to him.

My mom is so cute lately. She's been asking where I've been going, so I've been telling her. I've been doing stuff with said guy a lot lately(and loving it!). Anyway, I mentioned to her yesterday that we don't have to discuss it if she doesn't want to, and her response was that she wanted to. She wanted to get to know the guy and to like him. It makes me feel like she truly understands me and she wants me to be happy. Thinking about this makes me realize just how much I love tears of joy. I don't recall ever having them until now.

I feel like I couldn't write a coherent, logical idea tonight if I wanted to. Thankfully, I do have my emotional side to fall back on for times like these. I often wonder if I rely on it to much though. More to think about, I suppose.