reflections

I decided to change the layout and colors of my blog a bit. It was time for a change. It makes me seem slightly color blind, but I wanted some more vibrant colors, and if I spent a bit more time on it, it’d probably be better. I’m definitely not a web page designer. Still, it is unique. ^_^

I’m in a rather nervous and uncontented place, considering where I have been. I’m going into a doubting mode in regards to things I really love. It’s not exactly healthy to let myself do such things. Especially because it’s in regard to something I can’t bare to lose. Something I have my heart set on. Meg gave me some good advice though. To not worry about the future and just make things happen. I’ve never thought about making myself fit in, but I suppose I could do that. Well, as long as I'm still genuinely me. I’m not exactly going to sacrifice myself for such things.

You know, I really do have amazing friends that give me great ideas and advice. How wonderful is that? I’m definitely a lucky person.

I do need to learn not to let individual events affect my temperament and thought process. It’s a hard thing to do for me, but just because I am slightly disappointed in something, it doesn’t mean I should let it leak into all aspects of my life. Unfortunately, it often does.

In the last few days, I’ve been rather disappointed in my weight. It’s so funny, because before I was in a relationship, I totally didn’t care about that. It wasn’t important. It also wasn’t important once I got into a relationship because my boyfriend doesn’t care about it. Well, I want to lose weight again. I was conditioned to believe that I wouldn’t get a significant other, a job, or happiness unless I was thin, so I can’t say that it doesn’t play into the decision. Also, I want to match my boyfriend a little bit too. I don’t want to be such a polar opposite with weight. I don’t want people or myself to think or feel like our relationship shouldn’t be because we’re so different. Then, in opera, this dancer came in and was choreographing some, and I was really quite infatuated with some of his movements. They were beautiful, and just very pure.

I would like to be able to do some of those dance moves. I would like to have that kind of energy to even attempt them. Unfortunately, energy is one thing I don’t have. I drag myself from thing to thing using caffeine as a crutch. Now, I definitely could use clinical depression as a crutch, because it causes a lack of energy, but what good does that do me? It would be much more productive to try and exercise and eat for maximum energy. I want to try and attempt that, but like most of the things I try to do, it’ll fall apart. I don’t know how to change habits. I’ve tried very hard to get off of caffeine and soda, but I haven’t. I’m drinking slightly less right now, but I still have about 2 caffeinated sodas a day, which still isn’t great.

Plus, being overweight and a vocalist doesn’t work well. Yes, I get by, but when I’m singing correctly, but I put a slight strain on my back to do so.

Talking about weight and health seems somewhat futile to me, because even though I have many, many reasons to change what I do, I don’t do it. I like my “crutches”, caffeine and soda being a couple of them. I want to live my life without crutches, but unless I make it happen, I’ll always rely on them.

On a more exciting note, I’m excited about my vocal training right now. I’m enjoying opera and my voice lessons. I also auditioned for some solos for concert choir, so I’m crossing my fingers.

Overall, things are looking up when it comes to the whole picture (like having a wonderful boyfriend, having wonderful opportunities, great friends, and being able to pursue my dreams. I just need to focus on that.

My love goes out to my readers and to the world <3