school stuff

Well, I’m feeling unsettled tonight. This is probably because the crap is about to hit the fan, per say. I talked to my voice teacher about all of my frustrations with all of the extra work that my scholarship and dual-emphasis create.

Basically, my scholarship is half vocal and half string based. It requires me to be in Concert Choir (4 hours of rehearsal a week), Symphony Orchestra (4 hours of rehearsal a week), and two additional ensembles (the very least 6 hours a week- I have 8). Needless to say, with everything else I have, I have very little time to breathe. The annoying thing is that my dual-emphasis really doesn’t do anything. It doesn’t show up on my degree. It doesn’t show up on my transcript. It doesn’t affect certification. It’s this imaginary idea that adds a lot of work.

Well, he’s going to talk about these issues in general and also these issues with me in a music faculty meeting. Basically, he’s going to brainstorm with the faculty about how to make my schedule work for me to not die and graduate on time. If there is no way to make it work, he’s going to at the very least get rid of my scholarship (although he’s rather sure that they can just transfer it all to voice) and get me out of my cello emphasis. Really, it’s a good idea. I really don’t feel like I’m gaining anything out of the ensembles, and I can take private lessons away from college. Especially because it only takes my time and energy without any other real reward. Granted, I do enjoy the concerts sometimes, but it’s really not worth it. We’ll see what happens. Hopefully I’ll be happy with the result. I am somewhat nervous because if I have too much time, it is more possible for me to be depressed. Granted, I seemed to be fine during my free time lately, but I just remember what it was like freshman year.

I’m somewhat worried about myself right now too. If I’m not happy, I generally slide into sadness or other non-happy emotions. Because of this, it’s like I’m constantly afraid of it happening, even when I don’t have a reason. Also having a long distance relationship doesn’t help. I don’t know. It’s all kind of confusing. Ultimately, I’m actually great. I just need to know it and not doubt anything. I don’t doubt as much as I used to, so in a way I’m already succeeding, but I just need to get it to the next level. I really do want to enjoy what I have, you know? It is an amazing thing. <3

It’s actually been quite nice having today off because it’s giving me time to sort through these feelings that I rarely have time to sort through. It’s really nice.

Life goes merrily on

I find it hard to want to post my frustrations on here. I've had a really, really bad evening, but I don't know whether I should cross the boundry or not.

While part of me says that I don't want people to see this part of me, part of me also says that by posting about it makes it all the more real. I find myself not wanting to admit that I'm not bouncy and happy all the time. I know from certain people it's not a conditional thing, but still. I worry that showing these bad times will affect relationships, ones that I cherish very deeply.

I wish all a good night and I hope that all is going as good as possible. <3

first SLC trip

I need to update with all the major stuff that's been happening, but unfortunately I don't have time. *sadness*

I thought I'd tell y'all that I'm going to study with Ryan Selberg in Salt Lake today! He's the principal cellist of the Utah Symphony, and I'm way excited! I'm even more excited that I get to see my boyfriend after though! Hooray!!

I hope everyone is doing well. ^_^

mormon gay article

I'm tired, and it's been an emotional day, one I may or may not discuss at a later date.

However, I feel like I must show and talk about this article and the discussion posted on the lds website. The links are as follows:

Salt Lake Tribune article

Discussion on lds.org

I really can't imagine that homosexuality is a condition simply in this life. I feel like until I have no being that it is a big part of me. Besides the whole physical aspect, there is some spiritual attraction as well. Being around my significant other really makes me feel spiritually completed, even without physical contact.

I don't understand how people are expected to throw away their life and what they imagine it to be in as far as happiness is concerned, just for 'church doctorines'. As much as it is said that the church is and has been the same because truth does not change, I do not agree. There is no way that I really can.

I love how people with homosexual attractions are equated to those with physical handicaps as far as church callings. There are some you cannot have without being married. What I'm seeing from this is that regardless of the amount of effort that people with same-gender attraction give, if they cannot be attracted to a person to marry, they can't hold these positions. I suppose I shouldn't be suprised due to the fact that females can't hold multiple positions because of being unable to hold the priesthood. Perhaps us homosexuals just have enough female in us that we can't be trusted with the special positions.

How is it that divine revelation seems like a trump card? What about this horrible thing in your past? divine revelation. Why can't we change this? No divine revelation. I just can't believe that one person would be he one recieving revelation for a group as diverse as the church. It's just hard to understand.

How can some legal rights be ok for those not in a sexual gay relationship, but those that are should get none? That is a really big issue. Just because people tenderly explore themselves in every aspect with another should not come into play that definatively. It makes me shake my head. That and it was also said that legal rights aren't appropriate because they're rights reserved for traditional marriages. There are just way too many shades of gray, per say. That along with contradiction is rather bothersome.

The idea of not being able to bring my partner around because it's not good or the family and the like really hurts. I want to be as much a part of the family as anyone else. That and the satement where aadoption shouldn't be available to gays because a family needs a husband and wife bothers me too. How is it, then, children are not taken away from families that are strictly one parent? They aren't punished because they were in a good situation to start with, regardless of their reasons for being out of it. I should be able to adopt a child on my own, regardless of whether I have a partner or not. And, two parents are better than one, regardless of gender.

My minds a little fuzzy, so I hope i was sufficently coherent in writing.

I'm aprehesive tonight because there was something that I really wanted to do, but I avoided it because I thought that the outcome would be a way that I wouldn't enjoy it. I eventually did it, but the outcome was the same. I'm just scared that this is going to turn into a pattern. I hope that sleep with cleanse some of my worries about today.